Another Year Older

Hello beloved readers!

No I haven't forgotten about you folxs! I was absent for a little while due to losing my password to the account associated with this blog. I just got everything recently figured out and bam! I'm back in business baby! Oh yeah! How I have missed writing for you all.

Let me tell you something - there is just something about writing that is very therapeutic for me no matter what the reason. I think it has to stem from my involvement with the 12-step program I'm apart of. We believe in putting pen to paper, or in this case, fingers to the keyboard. LOL! Anyways I'm happy to be back in writing commission. Gosh does it feel good to just type away at my laptop.

I'm sitting here after not being able to sleep, jamming to P!nk and drinking a Coca-Cola. Yea I know caffeine is something that keeps you up, but that isn't why I haven't been able to sleep. I think it's because today is a special day for me. If you haven't figured it out by the title - I turned another year older today (34 years young!) and this is my second birthday as my true self. My birthday last year was a bust pretty much. I spent the day by myself except when I went to church.

This year I'm going to church. But afterwards my pastor and her daughter and I are all going out to lunch to celebrate. Later on - my sponsor and I are going to eat dinner and then hit a meeting. I am actually so excited I think that sleeping has decided to evade me. I mean I feel like a kid waiting for Santa Claus to arrive. Ya all remember that feeling trying to sleep on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa (really our parents or loved ones) to come? Yah that's me this year.

I don't expect any gifts this year because in reality - who needs more material possession in this life? Our society is so focused and driven by capitalism that it's disgusting to me. It is why for the last two years I've donated my birthday to different groups on Facebook via their fundraising option. Last year was enfleshed and this year it is United Methodist Forward.

As I turned another year older - I don't want for much anymore in the way of things. I've learned over this last year (with its set-backs, turmoil, heartaches, blessings, losses, gains) that the most important thing any of us can ask for is one very simple thing - TIME! Time spent with family! Time spent with loved ones! Time spent with beloveds! Time spent with friends! Time is such a precious commodity that it has become in our capitalistic society the most valuable thing! Think about it - when was the last time you were able to pencil in that coffee date with your BFF or when was the last time you spent Sunday gathered around the family table for that big dinner your mom or grandma made? Chances are that it has been a while since those type of events have occurred for a great majority of us.

I'm sure grateful for the ability to be celebrating another year of life on this messy, beautiful planet we call earth. I should've been dead quit a few times over, suicide attempts and a drug overdose. This year has brought some valuable lessons that I'm eternally grateful for no matter how those lessons came either. One of the biggest lessons is that people are more important than anything in this world. Relationships need to mean more than things... not the other way around.

I guess that is why I'm so excited for this birthday. Even though I'm not an extrovert by any means - I am so excited that people want to actually celebrate my birthday by CHOSING to be around me this year. Its like being a kid in a candy store and being told you can get whatever you want - no limits whatsoever. I'm not talking about just anyone either. After some heavy duty pain - I realize who I want to be in my life and I've become very selective about who I give my time to. People who are surrounding me this birthday are people who have become very important people in my life and I've grown to love them deeply and I don't just consider them friends - I consider them family.


I have a chosen family today that has become my family! I am absolutely one blessed person to have my family chose me.



Much Love to You All -



Brian Lee

TDOV 2019

Today is Transgender Day of Visibility. This is my second time being out as a trans person. I kept wondering what to write about that hasn’t already been said. My dear friend Rev M Barclay of enfleshed put out an amazing FB post. I want to quote some of that here for you folxs:

“ The only “right” way to be trans is the one that preserves your soul. The one that helps you tend to the Holy in you.
You are not a burden or a lie or a distraction.
You are a holy encounter.
In all the ways you change,
In all the ways you stay the same,
Your flesh is a testimony
To the power and beauty
Of wearing your own truth.
It looks so good on you.” -Rev M Barclay, director of enfleshed 3.31.19

There is only one wrong way to celebrate today from what my dear beloved friend/mentor/pastor said. It is to observe today in doing anything that doesn’t preserve you and your soul. So please know from me that you are absolutely perfect and holy as a trans person no matter if your soul can be preserved by being visible today or not.

Like M said - and it worth repeating as many times as is necessary- you have never been a burden, lie, or distraction no matter what anyone has said especially those words coming from some many pulpits these days. Rise up my dear trans siblings and realize that you matter, you have value to this world, and don’t give up five minutes before the miracle happens. You are holy force to be reckoned with. A Holy force to be reckoned with no matter how you change or how you stay the same.

Your very being, the flesh that is your own, is truly a testimony that screams to the world of power and beauty amidst the struggles of oppression from every corner and all the ugliness that is slung around. Wearing your own truth is amazing because it shows the world power and beauty. Your flesh is holy and perfect and complete right in this very moment.

I’ll close with these words that Rev Barclay said, “It looks so good on you.”


Brian Lee

Recovering Gratefully

I was caught in the grips of my addiction, yet you still reached out your hand to me.
I pushed it away with such intensity, I didn't care about anyone but my next hit.
Caught in the grips,
Obssessed with how much longer until I could get hit with my next shot of my drug of choice.
Meth and heroin became my lovers.
The desire for them became so strong that I literally abandoned everyone and everything that cared for me.
All I wanted was that next high.
Didnt matter the cost.
Didn't care about the destruction and unmanagibility it caused or rather left in its wake.
After the drugs had long run out,
I was left all alone,
A crying mess, a completely empty shell of myself.

I called the one person I knew would answer.
I sobbed to my sponsor and eventually hung up.
I didn't want anyone to see me like this.
My sponsor later said we're going to a meeting.
A suggestion but not really.
I picked up my hardest white ever.
Tears were streaming down my face as I walked and I hugged my good friend.
Then everyone in the room practically got in line to hug me.
I was so pathetic looking.
But the only thing that mattered to those people in the rooms was that I was alive and there.
Now I'm getting close to completing rehab,
I've had a spiritual awakening of sorts.

I should've died the Friday before coming here but something spared my life.
Now I believe for the first time that my life was worth saving.
I've got a greater purpose in life than being an iv drug user.
I'm destined for greatness.
I'm destined for blessings.
I'm destined to carry the message THAT NO ADDICT NEED TO DIE FROM THIS DISEASE.
THAT ALL ADDICTS CAN RECOVER!
THAT THEY CAN FIND A NEW WAY TO LIVE.

No longer am I caught in the grips of my addiction
I'm caught in the arms of my Higher Power,
I'm caught in the prayers of all who love me
I'm now caught in the grips of recovery
Slowly being restored to sanity
Piece by piece
Moment by Moment
Day by Day.

I was flying high on a chemical
But now I'm learning to fly with the help of others.
I'm beginning to enjoy life,
I'm blessed with an unquenchable thirst to live
To make the most of this billionith chance given to me.

I'm no longer an addict anymore
BUT
I AM A GRATEFUL RECOVERING ADDICT!

Watch out because I burn with an intense passion for all things related to living free from using.

Brian Lee Kleber
2.23.2019

No More Crumbs

No More Crumbs




My journey of faith and spirituality as a transgender, nonbinary and bisexual person within the United Methodist church is going to be the focus of this blog. Being all of these things (transgender, nonbinary and bisexual) within the United Methodist Church with the Special General Conference looming in about a month is not all it is cracked up to be sometimes. But other times it has been the most amazing and fruitful journey.

Long before I realized I was actually experiencing a gender identity crisis of sorts, I had "struggled with same-sex attraction" as my former church of ten plus years put it. Officially I struggled for two years within my church as a lesbian before I officially came out on facebook as a lesbian. When I came out as a lesbian - reception of my news was not very well received to put it very lightly and mildly. I was called into the senior pastors office where he was not the only pastor there. My associate pastor was present. Let's just say that experience forever changed my views on the pastor's office and receiving pastoral counseling in a pastor's office. I cringe each time I think about the spiritual trauma that I had to endure. I was told by both men of "God" that I couldn't possibly be gay and a Christian. I also wasn't able to raise my hands and praise God and say I love you Jesus or I love you God. The associate pastor said "When I see you, I'll try and treat you like a human being." Now mind you - this was before I realized I had a gender identity crisis. I thought my issue was just who I loved. Never in a million or trillion years did I ever expect to be told these things by men I saw as father figures.

This experience with being kicked out of my home church of over a decade was the catalyst to realizing that I was actually in the process of sorting out my gender identity. I began exploring that gender identity in July but I wouldn't come out as trans until October. During this process I started attending a church in my city that was a United Methodist Church. Before even stepping foot in that church - I messaged someone from a mission team that actually got back to me. She informed me that the pastor on staff was actually a reconciling pastor and was registered as such with Reconciling Ministries Network. The senior pastor of the church I now attend as a member has been amazing and instrumental to my journey.

I would struggle with my gender for the next couple of months as I emerged myself into a book about gender identity from a gender therapist. To be quite frank - I was attending a local UM church who ended up being quite accepting of me so I was actually sort of blinded to the fight the denomination was going through. I've heard stories of intense harm and suffering at the practices of the United Methodist Church particularly towards those seeking the ordination of elder or deacon. One person in particular that I've grown close to and consider a dear friend and mentor and pastor was just ordained last year as the first transgender deacon within the UMC. It was through mainly their story and other's story that I realized that the United Methodist Church still had a very long way to come in regards to its policies regarding human sexuality and gender identities.

I may not necessarily have experienced at first a life of crumbs. But as I've gotten further involved and invested more of myself into my local United Methodist Church - I realize that I'm essentially receiving the crumbs that the denomination as a whole allows to be given to me. I am blessed with a senior pastor who doesn't let me settle for the crumbs the denomination is giving me. She encourages me to continue the fight for equality within the United Methodist Church for all of God's beloved children. She doesn't give me crumbs - she encourages me serving in my local congregation.

Dearly Beloved's of God - How I wish the entire denomination known as the United Methodist Church had pastor's (elders and deacons) and laity that were like this. Unwilling to allow the denominations discriminatory practices force God's beloved folxs with bread crumbs from the Lord's table! My pastor always says on Saturday Night service before giving out the Eucharist that this is the Lord's table and not a denominational table. That you do not have to be a member of our church or even a united Methodist to partake. The only requirement is that you love God the very best that you can and that you love your neighbor as yourself.

This reminds me something that another reverend friend of mine said. They said something along the lines that just because the church wants to only give us crumbs as LGBTQ+ folxs, doesn't mean that we should stop baking loaves of fresh, delicious bread for those who are hungry. I'd like to go even further and say that we should have an ever-flowing cup of juice for those who are so parched because the world has sucked everything out of them.

When we come to the Lord's Table - whether it be weekly or the first and special occasion Sundays- as LGBTQ+ United Methodist, we are seeking desired food and drink for the journey. Not just the journey outside the four walls of the church/denomination, but within the four walls too sometimes. Sometimes we are unable to find a place to rest our weary heads once or twice a week and get this desired food and drink for our journey. Some of our beloved siblings are apart of a congregation that doesn't extend this to them or if they do - that is all the ministry they get from the church. THEY GET CRUMBS!

Dear Beloveds - We as LGBTQ+ folxs within the United Methodist Church are tired of the crumbs that our beloved denomination is giving us. We desire and proclaim that the Good News of Jesus Christ our Savior is that of full and loud inclusion of ALL of God's Beloved Children regardless of wherever they stand in the LGBTQ+ spectrum. We need to end the denomination's discrimination practices especially in the areas of those seeking ordination, seeking to have a church marriage and those wanting to fully and unhinderedly serve within the denomination.

How can we do this? It is extremely important that we realize that God has uniquely and purposefully crafted each and every single person on this earth. Transgender persons have existed from the beginning of time. It just so happens that my generation and those around my generation have put a name to what has been going on in society. Dare I even say that there are gender-nonconforming people in Jesus' time that are recorded in the bible? Oh yes and did Christ our Lord and Savior treat them any differently? No. In fact Jesus directed the disciples to go and search for the man at the well in order to have their supper. It was against gender roles and expectations for a man to be at the well because it was actually a woman's duty to draw water. Yet Jesus directed the disciples to this man for the most holy, sacred, divine of meals!

We all need to take a closer look at to what Jesus would be doing in regards to how to handle this issue. Jesus Christ came to settle the law and bring about a new covenant, a covenant that is filled with grace, love and mercy. A covenant that included both Jew and Gentile, foreigner and resident, white and people of color, gender conforming indivuals and transgender people! He came to proclaim that the covenant of law was no longer valid and that the only covenant that matters is the covenant of the gospel of grace, mercy and most of all love.

We need to stop accepting the crumbs that the United Methodist Church wishes to give us. NO MORE CRUMBS MY DEAR BELOVED TRANS PERSON! NO MORE CRUMBS MY DEAR BELOVED GAY AND LESBIAN PEOPLE! NO MORE CRUMBS MY DEAR BELOVED BISEXUAL FRIENDS! NO MORE CRUMBS MY DEAR BELOVED QUESTIONING/QUEER FRIENDS! NO MORE CRUMBS MY DEAR BELOVED LGBTQ+ SIBLINGS! NO MORE CRUMBS.

Let us teach the United Methodist Church as a whole how to bake fresh daily loaves of warm, hearty bread and fill the Eucharist cup with love and grace and mercy! Let us be willing to bake that warm bread for the journey and fill that cup with the love, grace, and mercy of Jesus until our denomination is willing to do for us! Church - let us rise up to the claims of #NoMoreCrumbs even if it us being the ones to fulfill that need. Sometimes we need to rise up as the next generation of leaders for a denomination that so desperately needs our help.

Some practical steps that you can start to bake that bread and fill that cup -

Read and engage in theological and loving conversations that place LGBTQ+ folxs as the ones leading that conversation. A good resource is the folxs over at enfleshed are doing amazing work - the amazing Rev's M Barclay and Anna Bladel are wonderful people who do very holy, sacred and deep work with and for LGBTQ+ folxs!

Read books written by folxs who are apart of the community. A big one I suggest is Queer Theology by Rev Liz Edman. Another good one is Transforming by Austen Hartke.

Obtain the Queer Bible Commentary. It's a very useful resource to begin looking at the bible through a queer lense. :)



No More Crumbs for LGBTQAI+ United Methodist Folxs!



Brian Lee Kleber

A Rebirth Experience

Hello everyone! I'm so very sorry that I've been neglecting my personal blog but I've been going through a difficult three months. But the good news is that I'm on the upswing of things.

I have been relapsing off and on for the last 2 1/2 to nearly 3 months. My last time I used was a three day run that got progressively worse. In the matter of three days I went from pills then tried heroin for the first time. I don't honestly know what made me try heroin but I loved it. I'm not going to lie to you all. I've always been upfront and honest with you folxs who read my blog. But I definitely don't like the devastation that it leaves afterwards.

While I was still high - I managed to tell a friend what I had done the day prior to and what I had done that morning. This dear friend was so scared that they looked up my pastor and called her. That afternoon I had my pastor where I lived and she was yelling and screaming at me. Honestly she scared the living shit out of me. The look of terror and being scared was written all over her face. My program manager suggested we go into the living room with a door for more privacy. I don't remember everything that I said but I remember before telling my pastor something - I said what I'm about to tell you is going to break your heart. Sure enough it did and I had made my pastor cry. It wasn't a pretty cry either.

I remember that my program manager called 911 for an ambulance because my pastor wanted me to get a psychological evaluation. I agreed to go because I wanted to ease her mind. I asked her if she would come and sit with me for a while at the ER. This woman is an amazing woman of God because even after I had just broken her heart she agreed to come and sit with me. The EMT/Paramedics came and took my vitals and essentially cleared me medically. The head one went out of the room and came back a few moments later. He told me that he had called the ER and said that I was stable and I had someone with me and that I could either go by ambulance for the ride or my pastor could drive me herself. I asked my pastor and she said that if I was comfortable with her taking me she would. So I went to the local ER department with her. She stayed with me throughout the entire time. During the visit I was checked out medically and psychologically and cleared. But the most valuable thing and the absolute most precious thing that happen was my pastor talked with me, ministered to me and loved on me the whole time. We had a chance to touch on some deep subjects and we came to a conclusion that my downward spiral started after the rape. So I asked her if she would make time in her schedule to help me unpack it because I really only trust her because I just started seeing my therapist. She agreed.

I'm so grateful for my online friend who searched out my pastor and called her. That friend saved my life and my pastor's intervention was the wakeup call that I needed to do something different because what I was doing wasn't working. Running away from and masking the pain and the hurt and the violation only led to my disease of addiction becoming worse and progressing. I'm utterly and eternally grateful for those in my life who love me unconditionally even though I've screwed up a lot recently.

Today as I write this blog I have half a month clean. I feel at peace right now and even slightly happy. I'm starting to enjoy life again and smile and be happy. I've been filling myself up spiritually with getting back to the basics of life. I'm feeling the Holy Spirit at work in my life again. Church is once again exciting and fresh and new. It's like I've been rebirthed again all over. Christmas eve service was absolutely stunning and Her spirit was flowing through that whole place. My favorite part is when we sang and the sanctuary lights were off and the only light that pierced the darkness was the light from our small candles. It was beautiful... It was raw... It was holy... It was dark, but there was a pregnancy in the air.... as we awaited the birth of the Savior to come. Darkness can only last the night but in the morning comes light.

No matter how long your dark night last, please know that the morning is coming. The light will soon pierce the darkness you are walking through. Hold on dear beloved of God. Your pregnancy is about to end soon and you'll give birth to a life you never thought or even dreamed was possible. See that is where I think we as followers and disciples of Christ fall short.... We don't dream big enough. We don't think big thoughts. We settle for lesser than what God, Herself, intended for us. We have the right to dream big lofty dreams and think huge thoughts. The Divine and Sacred is only limited by our very own minds. Let us take those limits and smash the hell out of them and send them way into the depths of darkness and stay there.


I pray that everyone who reads this had a wonderful holiday season and that you will experience a peaceful, joyous, happy, and wholesome new year in 2019!



Peace Be With You,


Brian Lee

Memories of My Grams

Tonight I feel like writing about my grams. My cousin Sam from California wrote a facebook post about their grams and it literally transported me back to my childhood memories with my own grams.

When I was little - I would often spend many of nights on the weekend at my grandmother's house. She moved several times during my childhood living in a house, an apartment and a trailer.

I particularly remember one memory where my grams had her living room set up where she had a couch, then a table and very close to her table was her tv. I was always a small child growing up so I could squeeze myself between the glass table and the tv set. I remember fondly my grams always made me peaches and cream oatmeal and putting on Saturday morning cartoons. I would sit in that place for hours watching many shows.

Another fond memory I have is getting to go with my grandmother worked at Uni-Mart as a manager and I got to go to spend the day at work with her. For lunch I got to pick whatever I wanted from the store :)

My grams was always there for me when she was alive. I miss her greatly and I wish she could see the person that I am becoming. I hope that I am making her proud.

My biological mom picked my middle name Lee. My grams name was Lenore but everyone called her Lee. So now through-out the rest of my life I'll carry my grams with me.

Brian Lee

It's Been A Year

Today marks the one year anniversary of me coming out as my true self, as Brian. Wow it is crazy to realize that it has only been a year. Time has truly flown. So many great things have to me in this year and a few trying times.

One of the major things is I've been on hormone replacement therapy since March 7th, 2018 which is 7 months out of the last twelve months. I am really happy with the results of HRT let me tell you. I'm growing a nice mustache and starting to grow some spotty facial hair that I have to shave every couple days otherwise I look scruffy.

Today is significant for me because I am finally living as God, herself, intended me to. As Brian Kleber, a transgender nonbinary person. I am fully known and fully loved by God in that identity because God created me like this. Funny how you wonder why you go through certain things but never really get a solid answer that is until later on.

Ever since coming out as a transgender person, my life has completely changed and for the better. It has been an amazing rollercoaster of ups and downs. I got to attend a national convocation in July at St Louis called For Everyone Born where I got to meet a LOT of people who I had just been talking to online via Facebook messenger. It was an amazing experience for me and one that was definitely needed. A bunch of queer United Methodist and our allies all in one place for the common goal of fully inclusion in the life of the church in the UMC.

My theology has changed quite a bit over the last year as well. I no longer see God as a male and try really hard to use they/them or she/hers pronouns when talking about God. I see my journey as God-ordained which means to me that I was meant to be on this journey because it is bringing me closer to God herself. That is the most important thing that I keep hearing and keep telling myself especially amongst the critics in my life.

I always have said that God cannot dwell where sin dwells and if God dwells in me as a transgender nonbinary person, then my gender identity is not sin or sinful in God's eyes.

I have grown in leaps and bounds and still have leaps and bounds to go. But I am enjoying the progress that I've made this far and I have every right because I put in the work to become a better person, a better follower of Christ by doing the work to undo harmful theological beliefs.

Brian Lee