It's Been A Year

Today marks the one year anniversary of me coming out as my true self, as Brian. Wow it is crazy to realize that it has only been a year. Time has truly flown. So many great things have to me in this year and a few trying times.

One of the major things is I've been on hormone replacement therapy since March 7th, 2018 which is 7 months out of the last twelve months. I am really happy with the results of HRT let me tell you. I'm growing a nice mustache and starting to grow some spotty facial hair that I have to shave every couple days otherwise I look scruffy.

Today is significant for me because I am finally living as God, herself, intended me to. As Brian Kleber, a transgender nonbinary person. I am fully known and fully loved by God in that identity because God created me like this. Funny how you wonder why you go through certain things but never really get a solid answer that is until later on.

Ever since coming out as a transgender person, my life has completely changed and for the better. It has been an amazing rollercoaster of ups and downs. I got to attend a national convocation in July at St Louis called For Everyone Born where I got to meet a LOT of people who I had just been talking to online via Facebook messenger. It was an amazing experience for me and one that was definitely needed. A bunch of queer United Methodist and our allies all in one place for the common goal of fully inclusion in the life of the church in the UMC.

My theology has changed quite a bit over the last year as well. I no longer see God as a male and try really hard to use they/them or she/hers pronouns when talking about God. I see my journey as God-ordained which means to me that I was meant to be on this journey because it is bringing me closer to God herself. That is the most important thing that I keep hearing and keep telling myself especially amongst the critics in my life.

I always have said that God cannot dwell where sin dwells and if God dwells in me as a transgender nonbinary person, then my gender identity is not sin or sinful in God's eyes.

I have grown in leaps and bounds and still have leaps and bounds to go. But I am enjoying the progress that I've made this far and I have every right because I put in the work to become a better person, a better follower of Christ by doing the work to undo harmful theological beliefs.

Brian Lee

Beauty Erupts From Ashes

Sometimes I wonder where I would be

Life hasn’t been that simple you see.

It’s been a rough road,

Filled with bumps along the way.

Heartache, heartbreak and disappointments.

Yet I still manage to get back up…

Again, and again and again.

Life has dealt me a harsh hand,

Yet I play the cards the best way that I can.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would be where I am at today.

But never did I think that beauty would come from ashes.

I may not be where I want to be,

But thank God I’m nowhere near where I used to be.

I may be back at the beginning with recovery,

But life for as long as I can remember is finally going well.

I have deep abiding friendships,

I have a few women in my life who love me with a mother’s love.

Most of my friendships are so deep they are family and not just friends.

Beauty from ashes…

It can truly happen.

Beauty is erupting from the ashes of my past.

Life is being birthed out of dry, old, dead bones.

For the first time in my life, I’m truly living

Not just surviving

Don't Let Others Steal Your Joy

A lesson that God has been teaching me lately is that of not letting others steal my joy. Recently I decided to get my nails done and get a full set put on. It wasn’t cheap. But I allowed those I lived with to get all up inside my head and steal the joy I had by doing something for myself. They were saying things like you aren’t really trans, you’re a crossdresser. All because I still wear clothes from the ladies’ department and I like to get my nails done.

I have realized that through my journey my gender presentation has become more fluid in appearance even though I shop almost exclusively from the women’s section. The clothes still fit me better than the male section does. Plus, I think there is more style options available in the women’s section for clothes I like to wear.

Funny thing how God brings you right back to a place if you haven’t learned your lesson the first time. Or reminds you of those precious, sacred, and most holy of moments with Her. I remember being in a thrift store and only being able to find clothes I liked in the ladies’ section of the store. I could almost sense the Holy Spirit whispering to me that clothes weren’t gendered and that as soon as I put those clothes on that is when they became masculine.

Since that point my understanding of my gender identity has grown and evolved to realize that I’m not a transgender male but a transgender nonbinary person. My gender presentation has been more middle of the road than anything else with a little flair of femininity thrown in. I don’t know that I would call it androgynous but more middle of the road seems like a better fit.

I find myself today after having had my real nails manicured and painted (ironically the same color as the fake ones I mentioned earlier) having that same voice whisper in my ear. I can hear her saying, “My Dear Brian, STOP letting others steal what little bit of joy you have right now. STOP letting them dictate your own gender journey with me. Allow me to help you. Know that I love you as a trans nonbinary person who loves to dress with a little bit of feminine flair. YOUR IDENTITY IS NO LESS NOR IS IT INVALID my dear beloved child.”

I really do need to stop allowing others to steal what little bit of joy I do have right now. Joy is so hard for me to come by as I heal from this most recent sexual assault. If that wasn’t enough to deal with I have my own mental health issues that often limit my capacity to feel joy or experience it. Moments filled with joy and happiness are often fleeting thoughts and they go as quickly as they come. I must learn to savor the moments as they come and quit allowing others to steal my joy/happiness.

Healing

Healing is hard work.

Raw and oozing emotions coursing through tense veins.

Tension reeking havoc on your very muscles.

Sleep evades even though you desperately seek it.

When sleep comes, it brings along the unwelcome guests of night terrors and sweats.

Healing is hard work.

Why do people feel entitled to bodies that are not their own?

Taking away someone’s dignity and shattering it into a million shards of sharp glass.

Making them afraid to walk once it gets dark.

Wishing they could live in the shower to wash away the filth and grim.

Healing is hard.

Hard when the wounds are so deep all’s you can do is lay in bed for hours on end.

Hard when you hate the body you worked so hard to start to be comfortable in.

Hard when you have to swallow pills twice a day every day.

Healing isn’t done alone.

It’s done in the presence of community near and far.

Comes in the face of a pastor showing up at the ER even after you forget to tell them your home.

Comes in the face of a pastor giving you the gentlest hug and holding that embrace for a moment.

In that brief fleeting moment you feel safe and secure the most you have in a week.

Comes in the form of an e gift card so you can get supplies to take care of yourself during shark week which you haven’t had in months because of HRT.

Comes in the constant support of friends and chosen family texting you and responding to texts making sure you are okay.

Healing may be hard work.

But it’s work that must be done.

Slowly the emotions will stop oozing and begin to settle.

Slowly tension will relax and quit coursing through the tightened veins.

Healing comes one cup of mint tea in a huge mug at a time.

Healing comes one gentle welcomed embrace at a time.

Healing comes in reminders to be gentle and kind to oneself.

I’m down but not out.

I’ll get up and pick myself up with the help of community and God.

I’ll dust myself off and start this healing work.

Update on me and my transition

Sorry folks that it has been a while since I’ve written about my own transition and in this blog. Life has gotten away from me and I’ve been dealing with a multitude of things all at once.

So I have recently decided that I am going to stop going to Persad in Pittsburgh for gender therapy and find just a regular therapist. This also means that my top surgery is going to be put on hold as well. Recently I relapsed on prescribes medication and I feel like it will be a good idea to wait until I have at least two years clean before I even begin to think about a major surgery like top surgery. But there is another piece to not wanting top surgery right now - I am beginning to be more comfortable with the body I have right now, exactly the way it is. Do I love my chest? Will I stop binding when wearing button down shirts? NOPE! It just means that top surgery isn’t in my cards right now.

I’ve told several people in my life about the decision to quit gender therapy and this by doing so put the ability to get top surgery on hold. The overwhelming and unanimous support has been truly outstanding and such a blessing. I’m comfortable with myself and those around me in my chosen family tribe support me and it has been inspirational  to me.

I have people who love, accept and are friends with me for me and not what my body does or doesn’t look like. I’m going to take this time to concentrate on school, recovery, and recovering from a recent sexual assault. I need time to heal physically because going to Pittsburgh is a huge ordeal since I don’t have my own car. I depend on medical transportation which means up to three hours on a bus to Pittsburgh early in the morning, sitting at Persad all day, and then upwards of three sometimes four hours back. My back cannot handle the stress of sitting for that long without laying down at some point in the day. So my chiropractor visits are wracking up and I cannot afford that on a fixed income.

This doesn’t mean at all for one second I’m detransitioning. I’m still staying on my hormones and will take them as prescribed. This is just part of my journey as a transgender nonbinary person.

Thank you for letting me share with you all where I am at in my journey and thanks for reading.

Brian Lee