Hello everyone! I'm so very sorry that I've been neglecting my personal blog but I've been going through a difficult three months. But the good news is that I'm on the upswing of things.
I have been relapsing off and on for the last 2 1/2 to nearly 3 months. My last time I used was a three day run that got progressively worse. In the matter of three days I went from pills then tried heroin for the first time. I don't honestly know what made me try heroin but I loved it. I'm not going to lie to you all. I've always been upfront and honest with you folxs who read my blog. But I definitely don't like the devastation that it leaves afterwards.
While I was still high - I managed to tell a friend what I had done the day prior to and what I had done that morning. This dear friend was so scared that they looked up my pastor and called her. That afternoon I had my pastor where I lived and she was yelling and screaming at me. Honestly she scared the living shit out of me. The look of terror and being scared was written all over her face. My program manager suggested we go into the living room with a door for more privacy. I don't remember everything that I said but I remember before telling my pastor something - I said what I'm about to tell you is going to break your heart. Sure enough it did and I had made my pastor cry. It wasn't a pretty cry either.
I remember that my program manager called 911 for an ambulance because my pastor wanted me to get a psychological evaluation. I agreed to go because I wanted to ease her mind. I asked her if she would come and sit with me for a while at the ER. This woman is an amazing woman of God because even after I had just broken her heart she agreed to come and sit with me. The EMT/Paramedics came and took my vitals and essentially cleared me medically. The head one went out of the room and came back a few moments later. He told me that he had called the ER and said that I was stable and I had someone with me and that I could either go by ambulance for the ride or my pastor could drive me herself. I asked my pastor and she said that if I was comfortable with her taking me she would. So I went to the local ER department with her. She stayed with me throughout the entire time. During the visit I was checked out medically and psychologically and cleared. But the most valuable thing and the absolute most precious thing that happen was my pastor talked with me, ministered to me and loved on me the whole time. We had a chance to touch on some deep subjects and we came to a conclusion that my downward spiral started after the rape. So I asked her if she would make time in her schedule to help me unpack it because I really only trust her because I just started seeing my therapist. She agreed.
I'm so grateful for my online friend who searched out my pastor and called her. That friend saved my life and my pastor's intervention was the wakeup call that I needed to do something different because what I was doing wasn't working. Running away from and masking the pain and the hurt and the violation only led to my disease of addiction becoming worse and progressing. I'm utterly and eternally grateful for those in my life who love me unconditionally even though I've screwed up a lot recently.
Today as I write this blog I have half a month clean. I feel at peace right now and even slightly happy. I'm starting to enjoy life again and smile and be happy. I've been filling myself up spiritually with getting back to the basics of life. I'm feeling the Holy Spirit at work in my life again. Church is once again exciting and fresh and new. It's like I've been rebirthed again all over. Christmas eve service was absolutely stunning and Her spirit was flowing through that whole place. My favorite part is when we sang and the sanctuary lights were off and the only light that pierced the darkness was the light from our small candles. It was beautiful... It was raw... It was holy... It was dark, but there was a pregnancy in the air.... as we awaited the birth of the Savior to come. Darkness can only last the night but in the morning comes light.
No matter how long your dark night last, please know that the morning is coming. The light will soon pierce the darkness you are walking through. Hold on dear beloved of God. Your pregnancy is about to end soon and you'll give birth to a life you never thought or even dreamed was possible. See that is where I think we as followers and disciples of Christ fall short.... We don't dream big enough. We don't think big thoughts. We settle for lesser than what God, Herself, intended for us. We have the right to dream big lofty dreams and think huge thoughts. The Divine and Sacred is only limited by our very own minds. Let us take those limits and smash the hell out of them and send them way into the depths of darkness and stay there.
I pray that everyone who reads this had a wonderful holiday season and that you will experience a peaceful, joyous, happy, and wholesome new year in 2019!
Peace Be With You,
Brian Lee
