If you have read my previous blog posts - you know that I suffer from mental illness. I am diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. I was on a combination of Cymbalta, Depakote, Latuda and Topamax but those medications stopped working. My doctor tried getting me on a new medication Vraylar but the insurance wouldn't cover it. I had been off medication for a while. Since May 19th, 2018 - I suffered mostly in silence with suicidal thoughts. On Tuesday May 22nd - I had literally had enough.
When you get to the point that you hate yourself, life and God - SOMETHING is WRONG! But the thing was I didn't check myself into the hospital for myself. I checked myself in because I knew if I did what I wanted to do which was to leave this earth for good that I would hurt way too many people (my adoptive kids, my sponsor, my pastor, my big brother, my friends M and Kai to name a few). I cared more about the fact that I would hurt others by what would've been my choice.
My sponsor in many ways saved my life last Tuesday.... After a meeting - I told him what was going on and he had me make phone calls to Clarion and to my Certified Recovery Specialist. Everyone in my life was telling me to check myself into the hospital. So I did. But I didn't do it for me.... no I did it for everyone else. I wanted to go to Clarion but their beds where full. So I ended up at Somerset BHU and THANK GOODNESS I ended up there.
The attending psychiatrist ran a panel of blood work but also included B12 and D3 vitamin levels. I found out that both Vitamins B12 and D3 contribute to depression in people with low enough levels. MY GOD - MAYBE I WASNT AS CRAZY AS I THOUGHT IN MY HEAD? There was an ACTUAL BIOLOGICAL PIECE to my depression and there was a reason as to why medication and therapy wasn't working for me. I am currently on 5,000 units of Vitamin D3 (which equals 5 pills a day), 1,000 units of Vitamin B12 (1 pill a day), and Abilify (1 pill a day). I was just released from the hospital today and I am so grateful for it.
Vitamin B12 deficiency can cause a host of problems. Here are some of the symptoms that I experienced and had NO CLUE this was an indication of a deficiency....
*Weakness, tiredness
*Nerve problems, numbness and tingling, muscle weakness
*Vision loss (my eyes got weaker
*Mental problems, depression and mood changes
Vitamin D3 deficiency can also cause a host of problems too. Here are some of the symptoms that I experienced and again had no clue...
*getting sick often
*fatigue and tiredness
*back pain
*depression (a study suggests that 65% of people with low vitamin D3 levels experience depression symptoms)
*muscle pain
Vitamin B12 and Vitamin D3 are not on your typical blood panels. So if you ever do go see a doctor or go inpatient at a hospital - ask for these tests to be done (they are covered under insurances). It could save you from having multiple hospital admissions like I did.
Now onto my transition update -
I just took my second increased dose of testosterone (150mg, 1.5ml). This is my 12th week on hormone replacement therapy and I have experienced more changes - neck facial hair (the infamous trans neck beard i've been told, lol), my other facial hair is growing in darker and my voice. Oh my god, folks, my dang voice has been stuck in the squeeky, raspy, sounds like I got a flipping cold for the last two weeks. LOL! I LOVE IT! WHY? Because it means my voice will get deeper and I'm excited for it to settle into my new normal. My hospital dr said he didn't want me stopping HRT at all so I still have the go-ahead to keep going through with it. So I want you all to know that I place my health over my transition first and foremost because I believe in living by example. I want you all to keep your health first and listen to your doctors.
I unfortunately had to withdrawal from school for the summer term as a result of this hospitalization. But it was for the best. My university offers a one time tuition fee waiver which I will be getting and will save me $5,000 and keep my financial aid intact. A small price to pay for better health.
Well that is more than enough for now! PLEASE, PLEASE, If you ever feel like you are going to harm yourself - please reach out for help.
Here are some numbers for you to call:
Trevor Project:
866-488-7386
Trevor Project (Trevor Text):
Text "Trevor" to 1-202-304-1200. Text message rates apply. Available Mon-Fri 3pm-10 EST/12noon-7pm PST
Trans Life Line:
US: 877-565-8860
Canada: 877-330-6366
Hours of Operation:
PST: 8am-2am
MST: 9am-3am
CST: 10am-4am
EST: 11am-5am
Alaska: 7am-1am
Hawaii: 6am to 12am
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-8255
Available 24/7
YOU ARE WORTH LIFE!,
Brian Lee
What a gift this blog is! Thank you for inviting us along for your journey to wholeness.
ReplyDeleteYou are welcome. Can I ask, how did you come to my blog?
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