(not my photo, this is a stock photo from Google)
I cannot even begin to believe that I am here writing this blog for you all. I never ever in a million years thought this would be a reality in my life. When I started this journey, I didn't think I would be blogging and living out my transition in such a public way. I loved to write but I never have really seen myself as one because I was always put down. Then I met this wonderful human named Terri and they saw something in my writing. Ever since then Terri has called out the writer in me and nurtured it and is bringing it to life.
This ride through medical transition has ended up being easier than I had originally thought. Personally (for me) social transitioning is the most difficult process of this whole journey. You never know what people are going to do or say. You never know if people will accept you for you or if they will verbally attack you (I had that happen to me just yesterday). My skin for being able to brush people off is still very much soft, but it is getting thicker with each encounter that I have. I am learning to not take things to heart so much and that when people say transphobic or hateful things it is a reflection of them and not of me as a person. I know who I am and who God has created me to be and who She created in the very first place.
These last two months I have experienced different changes. Mood swings have become lessened and more mellow. I have found that I am more calculated in my thinking process meaning that I just want to know what the problem is and just get right down to fixing it to be honest. Testosterone has increased my libido which is a pain especially when you are single and are not in a relationship with anyone. But the changes that I love and I really do mean LOVE have been noticeable by people for about the last 3 weeks I've been on hormones.
Just today (5/1/2018) I was talking with my pastor after morning bible study and I told her how I still see my voice as extremely feminine. She said oh no, you've definitely settled into the male range. I can hear the difference. This was the same woman who noticed my mustache around Week 4-5 too. She has been amazing and such a supporter and a cheerleader. GOD I wish all of you queer folxs had a pastor like her, I pray that we have more pastors supportive of queer folxs.... You all deserve that support just as much as I do.
My voice has steadily dropped and still continues to do so. I use this voice analyzer app on my android phone and at first (pre-T) I registered female. Then after about two weeks of T, I would register in between... This went on for another two weeks, where my voice would register in the "in between" stage. Just recently I would guess about Week 5 is when the app would register "male". This made me so happy because I could "feel" my vocal cords thickening but I couldn't hear a difference in my voice. Then people around me started commented on how low my voice had gotten around a week ago.
I go to see Dr. Stephen Wolfe on Thursday of this week (May 3rd) for my follow-up and blood draw. I am so excited to see if he notices the same changes that everyone else has been noticing too. The last time we saw each other was in February and I was discussing wanting and needing to get on testosterone.
I am so grateful for the people in my life who have rallied around me during this whole transition. You all have made this journey amazing, contributing in your own ways. There have been some heart wrenching moments and you folxs have been there to wipe away my tears and offer me counsel. But there have been moments of joy and celebration (UMATI facebook throwing me a virtual party on the day I started medical transition for instance) and there have been loads of laughter.
I am thankful that I have a faith that has given me the strength to accept that I am queer and transgender nonbinary and boldly proclaim that. I am thankful that I have been given a voice so I can be a voice for transgender people who may have their voice silenced for a number of reasons. I thank God that she has surrounded me with other queer umc folxs who share similar experiences but also share a like-minded faith. I am thankful to God that in this process I have found and gained a friend who I now call my Big Brother - Sam - they have been my rock and been there for me and in many ways protected me when I needed it. I am thankful that I have a friend who is a mentor when it comes to my writing, Terri, and they have seen so much in me and pour life into my passion for writing.
Coming out as transgender and going through this medical transition journey has enriched my life and made it so full and overflowing. I have grown leaps and bounds and still have more to go. But I am grateful I can finally face the world as Brian, as my authentic self and no longer wearing a mask.
Thank you all for your support! You matter so very much to me!
Love in Divine,
Brian
This ride through medical transition has ended up being easier than I had originally thought. Personally (for me) social transitioning is the most difficult process of this whole journey. You never know what people are going to do or say. You never know if people will accept you for you or if they will verbally attack you (I had that happen to me just yesterday). My skin for being able to brush people off is still very much soft, but it is getting thicker with each encounter that I have. I am learning to not take things to heart so much and that when people say transphobic or hateful things it is a reflection of them and not of me as a person. I know who I am and who God has created me to be and who She created in the very first place.
These last two months I have experienced different changes. Mood swings have become lessened and more mellow. I have found that I am more calculated in my thinking process meaning that I just want to know what the problem is and just get right down to fixing it to be honest. Testosterone has increased my libido which is a pain especially when you are single and are not in a relationship with anyone. But the changes that I love and I really do mean LOVE have been noticeable by people for about the last 3 weeks I've been on hormones.
Just today (5/1/2018) I was talking with my pastor after morning bible study and I told her how I still see my voice as extremely feminine. She said oh no, you've definitely settled into the male range. I can hear the difference. This was the same woman who noticed my mustache around Week 4-5 too. She has been amazing and such a supporter and a cheerleader. GOD I wish all of you queer folxs had a pastor like her, I pray that we have more pastors supportive of queer folxs.... You all deserve that support just as much as I do.
My voice has steadily dropped and still continues to do so. I use this voice analyzer app on my android phone and at first (pre-T) I registered female. Then after about two weeks of T, I would register in between... This went on for another two weeks, where my voice would register in the "in between" stage. Just recently I would guess about Week 5 is when the app would register "male". This made me so happy because I could "feel" my vocal cords thickening but I couldn't hear a difference in my voice. Then people around me started commented on how low my voice had gotten around a week ago.
I go to see Dr. Stephen Wolfe on Thursday of this week (May 3rd) for my follow-up and blood draw. I am so excited to see if he notices the same changes that everyone else has been noticing too. The last time we saw each other was in February and I was discussing wanting and needing to get on testosterone.
I am so grateful for the people in my life who have rallied around me during this whole transition. You all have made this journey amazing, contributing in your own ways. There have been some heart wrenching moments and you folxs have been there to wipe away my tears and offer me counsel. But there have been moments of joy and celebration (UMATI facebook throwing me a virtual party on the day I started medical transition for instance) and there have been loads of laughter.
I am thankful that I have a faith that has given me the strength to accept that I am queer and transgender nonbinary and boldly proclaim that. I am thankful that I have been given a voice so I can be a voice for transgender people who may have their voice silenced for a number of reasons. I thank God that she has surrounded me with other queer umc folxs who share similar experiences but also share a like-minded faith. I am thankful to God that in this process I have found and gained a friend who I now call my Big Brother - Sam - they have been my rock and been there for me and in many ways protected me when I needed it. I am thankful that I have a friend who is a mentor when it comes to my writing, Terri, and they have seen so much in me and pour life into my passion for writing.
Coming out as transgender and going through this medical transition journey has enriched my life and made it so full and overflowing. I have grown leaps and bounds and still have more to go. But I am grateful I can finally face the world as Brian, as my authentic self and no longer wearing a mask.
Thank you all for your support! You matter so very much to me!
Love in Divine,
Brian
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