A lesson that God has been teaching me lately is that of
not letting others steal my joy. Recently I decided to get my nails done and
get a full set put on. It wasn’t cheap. But I allowed those I lived with to get
all up inside my head and steal the joy I had by doing something for myself.
They were saying things like you aren’t really trans, you’re a crossdresser.
All because I still wear clothes from the ladies’ department and I like to get
my nails done.
I have realized that through my journey my gender presentation has become more fluid in appearance even though I shop almost exclusively from the women’s section. The clothes still fit me better than the male section does. Plus, I think there is more style options available in the women’s section for clothes I like to wear.
Funny thing how God brings you right back to a place if you haven’t learned your lesson the first time. Or reminds you of those precious, sacred, and most holy of moments with Her. I remember being in a thrift store and only being able to find clothes I liked in the ladies’ section of the store. I could almost sense the Holy Spirit whispering to me that clothes weren’t gendered and that as soon as I put those clothes on that is when they became masculine.
Since that point my understanding of my gender identity has grown and evolved to realize that I’m not a transgender male but a transgender nonbinary person. My gender presentation has been more middle of the road than anything else with a little flair of femininity thrown in. I don’t know that I would call it androgynous but more middle of the road seems like a better fit.
I find myself today after having had my real nails manicured and painted (ironically the same color as the fake ones I mentioned earlier) having that same voice whisper in my ear. I can hear her saying, “My Dear Brian, STOP letting others steal what little bit of joy you have right now. STOP letting them dictate your own gender journey with me. Allow me to help you. Know that I love you as a trans nonbinary person who loves to dress with a little bit of feminine flair. YOUR IDENTITY IS NO LESS NOR IS IT INVALID my dear beloved child.”
I really do need to stop allowing others to steal what little bit of joy I do have right now. Joy is so hard for me to come by as I heal from this most recent sexual assault. If that wasn’t enough to deal with I have my own mental health issues that often limit my capacity to feel joy or experience it. Moments filled with joy and happiness are often fleeting thoughts and they go as quickly as they come. I must learn to savor the moments as they come and quit allowing others to steal my joy/happiness.
I have realized that through my journey my gender presentation has become more fluid in appearance even though I shop almost exclusively from the women’s section. The clothes still fit me better than the male section does. Plus, I think there is more style options available in the women’s section for clothes I like to wear.
Funny thing how God brings you right back to a place if you haven’t learned your lesson the first time. Or reminds you of those precious, sacred, and most holy of moments with Her. I remember being in a thrift store and only being able to find clothes I liked in the ladies’ section of the store. I could almost sense the Holy Spirit whispering to me that clothes weren’t gendered and that as soon as I put those clothes on that is when they became masculine.
Since that point my understanding of my gender identity has grown and evolved to realize that I’m not a transgender male but a transgender nonbinary person. My gender presentation has been more middle of the road than anything else with a little flair of femininity thrown in. I don’t know that I would call it androgynous but more middle of the road seems like a better fit.
I find myself today after having had my real nails manicured and painted (ironically the same color as the fake ones I mentioned earlier) having that same voice whisper in my ear. I can hear her saying, “My Dear Brian, STOP letting others steal what little bit of joy you have right now. STOP letting them dictate your own gender journey with me. Allow me to help you. Know that I love you as a trans nonbinary person who loves to dress with a little bit of feminine flair. YOUR IDENTITY IS NO LESS NOR IS IT INVALID my dear beloved child.”
I really do need to stop allowing others to steal what little bit of joy I do have right now. Joy is so hard for me to come by as I heal from this most recent sexual assault. If that wasn’t enough to deal with I have my own mental health issues that often limit my capacity to feel joy or experience it. Moments filled with joy and happiness are often fleeting thoughts and they go as quickly as they come. I must learn to savor the moments as they come and quit allowing others to steal my joy/happiness.
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