My First Ash Wednesday Service Reflections

My First Ash Wednesday Service Reflections

"Brian, remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return." My pastor uttered those words as she made the mark of a cross on my forehead.

This was my first dispensation of ashes period, let alone as a United Methodist. So the service itself was a first time experience for me. You see I come from an extreme fundamentalist Pentecostal background. We didn't celebrate the Lenten season or ash Wednesday at all. So this was a whole new experience. But I am ever so grateful for it. The atmosphere was quiet, somber but spiritually uplifting at the same time. I had spent the day preparing myself for the evening service. My friend M, who happens to be ordained in the UMC, did a meditation video that I listened to. Plus the RMN Network released a blog about Ash Wednesday that I read. It provided a unique aspect in which framed my perspective to view the service.

In the article, Brett wrote some amazing things that really touched my soul. It made me think. To me - Ash Wednesday was about who God was. About the fact we are blessed to even just BE. God wants to be in a relationship with me. God sought me out before I could ever seek Him out. He continued to seek me out even when my old church kicked me out and attempted to strip me of my Christianity which honestly was never their mantle to take from me to begin with. God has loved me, shaped me from the ash of the earth, and given me life with his very breath.

In a video, my friend and Rev M Barclay said some thought provoking things. There is no life that doesn't come from other life. We are never only our own. Everything that is was once dust. We betray our own beginnings. We were not made to be products of uniformity, not to fit a mold. We were made to be apart of the sacred work. From dust we were made, and to dust we will return. Are we addressing the systems that are limiting other people's lives? We all have but one life to live. We do well when we can embrace our limitations. It is precious to be alive. We have limited time together and we are not always going to use that time wisely. Our time together is limited and it is precious.

Both the article and the video set a tone for me. The article addressed the queer side of things and the video just addressed our pure mortality. It was fitting that both of these issues where addressed for me. So now I must explain the actual service. It was wonderful. I remember during much of the music closing my eyes and maintaining an attitude of worship. There already was such a gentle spirit there. I didn't want to mess with it, ya know?

It came time for the dispensation of ashes. I got in my senior pastor's line. It came my turn and as my pastor spoke those words, I closed my eyes. It was like a calm feeling came over me. I did decide to kneel at the altar afterwards for a moment. Then I went back to my seat. When I went back to my seat, an amazing thing happened to me... I began to smell a sweet fragrance all around me that I hadn't smelled up until that point. It was like it enveloped me. It felt like the arms of Jesus were around me as I sat reflecting on what had just happened for me in my first Ash Wednesday Service and the start of my first Lenten Season.

I am blessed to be on this journey and to be able to include all of you in it. I hope this was inspiring and uplifting to you. May you be cradled in the arms of our beloved as you walk through this Lenten season and realize your life is precious to the Divine!

Peace of Christ,

Brian

Never-ending Story

I chose this picture to start of this blog post because it is a powerful statement. "You've got a new story to write. And it looks nothing like your past." Now I'm going to rewrite that statement to personalize that, "Brian, you've got a new story to write. And it looks nothing like your past."

My story doesn't look like the fact that I've been a victim of past traumas of all kinds. My story doesn't look like the fact that I've been to jail for 9 1/2 months. My story doesn't look like the fact I was a drug addict. My story doesn't look like the fact that I've lost everything. My story doesn't look like the fact that I was kicked out of a church I spent over a decade at.

I was going to try and define what my story does look like. I did start to make a list. But then I deleted it. I realized that my story is still being written even as I type this. My God is still working on me. Right now I am able to say I am no longer living as a victim but as a victor and a survivor. I have been out of jail since my release in June of 2017 (many of the people who were released after me have since returned multiple times already). I am in active recovery and just celebrated 6 months and 7 days (I only have a daily reprieve from active addiction, it's a just for today program). I may not have everything back but I have permanent supportive housing and some material possessions and I'll be going back to school in the fall. I gained a pastor who has been an angel and instrumental in my path to transforming and healing spiritual & I have an amazing church that has been there for me.

My story continues to be written each day that I wake up and with each breath that I take. It is written with each new mistake I make and learn from.

I have a new story to write and it looks nothing like my past!

My dear friends.....

YOU HAVE A NEW STORY TO WRITE AND IT LOOKS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE YOUR PAST!

Be Blessed!

Brian Lee

The T is Trans-Friendly

Hello everyone. So the last time that I wrote a blog it was for a blog synchro day and it was amazing for me. I even got to host for a person which was wonderful for me because I love to be able to be a voice for other people who need/want to be hear. But today is a day where I need to allow my voice to be heard, heehee. Or rather I want my voice to be heard. Hopefully this will make sense and won't be too all over the place. I've had a few days to kind of collect myself and my thoughts even though chaos has kind of ensued where I live and in my life since then. But yet I am still living in serenity and peace. How is that possible? GOD! Back to that subject later!

So on Feb 8, 2018 - I had an appointment with Steven Wolfe in Monroeville, PA at 9:15am. I arrived about 10 minutes late because I was nervous and I was outside smoking a cigarette to calm my nerves. I go to check in. I sit down in the waiting room. They start calling people. Everyone that had been in there before me had been called back. Here comes the funny part.... Please laugh because I am kinda trying to hold back laughter as I type this at the library so I don't look like an idiot.
A nurse comes calling out Brian. I look around like no one has come in after me and everyone before me has been called back (and i'm thinking that's the name everyone in my life calls me but that's not my legal name) so I DON"T get up nor do i respond. So the nurse goes back in. A few moments later the SAME NURSE comes back out and says my legal first name and I get up. She takes my weight and we go back to the room. Before we go into my history, she said you do go by Brian right? I said yes why? She said we have you down as going by that. I'm like oh my god i didn't realize I gave that to you guys and I didn't realize that you guys were that trans-friendly of a doctors office. So we had a good laugh and discussion. This guy totally felt like an idiot cause I dead-named myself went I didn't have to. Oh but a good laugh happened out of it.

So the nurse took down my history and was absolutely amazing. She was so sweet. When she was done, she told me that the doctor might be a while and she asked me if she could get me a cup of coffee and I said yes absolutely because my medical cab was early and i hadn't had time to make my own.

Then in walks a nurse practitioner. Oh I failed to mention that the nurse told me that this practice is a family practice that handles a little bit of everything but is also a teaching practice! So yeah? The nurse practitioner came in and asked me a bunch of questions. They were about my history but mainly about me being transgender. Now they weren't gate-keeping questions. This was my very first visit to this office. So they were getting to know me. So they were simple getting to know me questions and how I came out, how I felt about myself, why I wanted to get on T, etc. The nurse practitioner was amazing and friendly. She listened to me as I answered her questions and didn't rush me. Once I was finished answering her questions - she said well that is all I have for you let me go get the doctor and we will be back in.

So I am left in the room waiting. It seemed like forever. But you all know that when it's a brand new doctor's office the wait is always longer than it really seems. But when it's for the express purposes of something this critical in your life - the wait is then multiplied by like a million. So then I hear a knock at the door. In walks the nurse practitioner and then a male doctor. He introduces himself as Dr Wolfe (btw- not bad on the eyes either, LOL). The first thing out of his mouth after he shakes my hand is, "So before we go any further in this conversation, I understand you go by Brian?" I answered, "Yes." "So is it safe to assume that you use male pronouns then?" I said, "Yes." So we moved on with the conversation.

We covered so much that most of the conversation was a blur except for a few parts. One of them was when we got to the part where he said he was going to describe to me the positive and negative side effects of T. I said kind of with a smart allek tone (character defect that comes out when i'm nervous and i want to ease my nervousness) oh so you're going to tell me what I've already read. So he said well then you tell me. Thank goodness i had brought my ipad which had the WPATH (World Professionals Associations for Transgender Health) Standards of Care on it. I went to the section that had it. Now if I hadn't gotten connected to Dara Hoffman-Fox thanks to my old sponsor I wouldn't have known about this resource and I wouldn't have walked into this doctor's office an educated transman. I mentioned bottom growth and he stopped me and he asked me to explain what I meant and I did and he was pleased with my knowledge. He asked if I had intentions of surgeries. I said only possibly top surgery but that i was looking into the uncommon route because my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at 39 and I wanted to get tested for the gene because traditional top surgery leaves some breast tissue behind. He asked why not bottom and I explained I read about the high rate of complications and the fact that it takes sometimes 2-3 surgeries to get a somewhat to fully functioning bottom. But to me my gender isn't defined by whats between my legs or what is on my chest. He was happy to hear me say that.

By the end of my visit - he said well I want to get a base blood line on you and get you a script for T. I was like what in my head. I didn't think it would happen. Hello? First visit ever meeting this doctor? I've heard horror stories of AFAB and AMAB being gate-keeped when attempting to get hormones and how it's taking numerous visits and how they have had to jump through so many hoops. Here I am, just having spent two hours telling my story to these two wonderful physicians who were absolutely loving human beings and I'm walking out with T. I asked the doctor, "I know you fax over everything," He said, "We cant fax over the T script" and I said "So I'll get a paper script? This is a big day for me in my transition because I believe a lot of my mental health issues are because I'm NOT on T." He said "I believe it. It is the reason I do the work I do." I told him with tears streaming down my face, "I don't think you do. You have no idea how it is going to feel to finally one day have the right hormones running through my body. See i can pass for the most part as a male, but as soon as i open my mouth people say she and I hate it." He said, "Well the next time I see you your voice most likely will have dropped."

I wanted to hug the man but I didn't. I instead shook his hand. I do however think when I go for my check up and blood draw in May I will ask for a hug and a picture. That man has changed my life.

I am still floating on cloud 9. I know that regardless of whether or not I'm on T - my tranness is valid. But for me March 7, 2018 signifies the start of manhood. It signifies the start of puberty. It signifies the start of the right hormones coursing through my veins. March 7th - I go back and met with the nurse practitioner and get what is called injection education (I take my T vial and syringes/needles) where I will give myself my own first T shot in their office. I do not like needles (says the one that has 4 tattoos) but I guess now is the time to get over it because I have to inject myself once every 14 days.

Anyways I want to thank my very dear bud Sam for the title of this blog because I couldn't come up with one for the life of me!

I want to thank Dr Steven Wolfe and his staff for an amazing visit.

I want to thank Dara Hoffman-Fox for being an amazing educator and transgender adovcate. You can find her at the following links:
youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/darahoffmanfox
facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dara.hoffman.3
website: http://darahoffmanfox.com/
book: http://discoveryourgenderidentity.com/


Peace of Christ in your coming and goings,

Brian Lee Kleber

My Calling as a Transgender Male United Methodist

My Calling as a Transgender Male United Methodist

Well of course I knew I wanted to write something for this blog round up so the logical thing to do would've been to have this piece written up well in advance right? NOPE! That is NOT how this writer works. When I face a deadline - I literally write on the day of that deadline. I really hope that God never calls me to write a book because those deadlines I hear are pretty strict. Anyways, I tend to wait last minute. My CRS asked for a testimonial - it got written the morning I was supposed to hand it in, in fact I was thirty minutes late running it over to her office. My churches SPARK mission team asked if I would write a letter for a the church wide newsletter - I wrote that an hour and a half before it was due and I had a week to prepare. This blog is completely voluntary. No one asked me to write it at all. I felt called by God to write something. So here I am writing on my iPad at 1:35am, with Christian hits blaring in my ears as I type away. Now to get down to the bulk of this post.

What does my transness call me to do and be in this world? Very simply put - it calls me to be my true self and to live as my true self which is a transgender male who happens to identify with the United Methodist faith and I'm in the process of becoming a member of my local UM church.

My transness calls me to be a trailblazer for other transgender and queer people to make their paths easier if I can. I have the strength to fight whereas some do not have it in them. If I can bear the brunt of the battle and lessen the load, well then my purpose has been completed.

My transness has just recently came to light in my life because I just came out October 15, 2017. But it has greatly affect how I go through life. I instantly found out that those who accepted me as a cis-gender lesbian where not all so accepting of me as a transgender male. Don't get me wrong I lost far less friends when I announced my transition than when I announced I was a lesbian. I guess you say it came in phases, so it affected how I went through life in phases. I had to learn to give people their processes. Particularly a friend of mine of 18 years.... It took her from October of 2017 until end of Jan 2018 to even start calling me Brian and accepting the whole trans thing.

My transness has greatly affected my faith and how I navigate it. To go back a little bit to my last paragraph. When I came out as a cis-gendered lesbian, I was kicked out of my local church that my three boys and myself had attended for over a DECADE!!! I was told by the lead "pastor" I couldn't believe in God or worship God and be gay and the associate pastor said I'll try and treat you like a human being. I had left that office with nothing, not even my faith in God, that had been torn away from me by men I had trust and one I called my father. Then a wonderful woman in a 12 step fellowship had me deal with some of my cramps d had me met with another recovery person who happened to be a pastor. That meeting led me to having an open mind and a willingness to allow this wonderful woman of God, Anette V Gerber (lead pastor of First UMC of Greensburg) into my life and allow God to use her how He saw fit. Everyone, myself included, calls her Net. Net has been extremely instrumental in my life since meeting her. Don't get me wrong. It took forever for the walls to come down. But eventually I ended up calling her my pastor which I swore I would never do again and I claimed First UMC of Greensburg as my church again never thought I would claim a church as mine. Net has been huge supporter in not only my transition but in my rebuilding and healing of my faith as I heal from the abuse and trauma from the old church. Currently I am taking new member classes to make my attendance at First UMC of Gbg official and make myself a member and not just a guest. Net has loved me from the moment I came, just as I was, just as I am, hurts and all, first as a cis-gendered lesbian and now as a transgender male. It is amazing to me the stark contrast in pastors coming from a pentecostal background going to a United Methodist background.... Net is a one of kind, what you see is what you get kind of preacher. She loves all who grace the doors of First UMC of Gbg. I am ever so grateful that God sent her ahead of me.... He knew what I needed for sure.

As far as what does my transness call me to do and be? First and foremost.... This is tied directly in with my faith. God made me transgender. Notice I didn't say he made a mistake when he bore me in a female body. I believe he had an express purpose and part of that was so that my precious three biological sons James, Koda Bear and Eli could be birthed into this world whereas they wouldn't have been. My life where I was raised and socialized as a woman has given me advantages as well. I am sensitive and more in tune with my feelings and I am more apt to talking about my feelings which as someone in recovery REALLY helps. But back to my point, God made me transgender. He created me as Brian, He gave me his stamp of approval. A person with an experience is no longer at the mercy of a person with an argument. No one can any longer tell me that God didn't make me this way when as I am praying to him he addresses me as Brian and using he/him. God I do believe has called me into some type of ministry which in today's climate in the UMC is difficult for transgender people but not impossible. 2019 there is going to be a special conference that can bring about a lot of change for us as a denomination as we see where we fight for full inclusion of LGTBQAI people.

God has called me to be my true self. That means I cannot pretend anymore. I cannot wear the mask anymore of the gender I was assigned at birth because it was never mine to wear. Just like being a Pentecostal is not the theology that matches up to the bible for me. My true self is a transgender male United Methodist who will fight for the ordination of LGTBQAI people, same sex marriages and full inclusion in the life of the church for all LGTBQAI people.

I think I have said enough in this post. If you have stuck this far, thank you my dear reader.

I want to close with this scripture that my pastor gave me and she calls it a breath prayer. Do this whenever you are overwhelmed or anxious , find a quite place, You can only say it when you exhale....

You will keep in perfect peace, the one whose mind is stayed on you.
Isaiah 26:3

You are beloved!

Peace of Christ,
Brian

Here is a guest post as a part of a Queer Calling Synchroblog. I offered up my blog for hosting for anyone who didn't have a blog but wanted to be apart of this important day which is tomorrow.

Enjoy everyone!


Twisted Scripture
By Lisa Eskinazi


Bullets fire at us with sniper like aim
From the rooftops of grand buildings
From behind dusty curtained windows
To point blank range

The bullets say...
"We love you, but not your sin"
"We have gays at our church, you are welcome BUT! ( with milk and honey)
"If you want to live by the bible we can make you straight"

I shudder, then take three steps back
I stop praying, reading, believing
I am living in sin, condemned...
I take another three steps back

Pondering if in fifty years a child will ask..
Why did some people have to wear armour?

Because of twisted scripture...
That they sculpted and moulded into art
And they displayed these works in galleries
And in awe people followed
I took three steps back

Now I make sure when I leave my house
Wallet, keys, phone...
I then put on my SHIELD...

My heart is with God
Who loves every one of us

I take one step forward

My calling is to write
And I will...
Until we throw away our armour
I take one step forward