My Journey to Self Discovery

I recently discovered I had my first blog comment by a "troll" and it was cruel and insensitive. I did end up deleting it. But ironically they brought up a good point, their delivery method was messed up but their point was valid. It made me realize that you all, my readers, might be confused a little with my identification changes.

I am not using this blog to justify my gender or who I am. I don't have to do that for anyone. But I feel that some of you might be confused or not understand where I am coming from. The purpose of this blog is to educate you on my process, my journey to self discovery up until this point.

Currently I identify as a transgender nonbinary person who wishes to present as a male to society. What does that mean and how did I come to that revelation or discovery? I know that I am not at all wanting society to see me as female. Society in and of itself has a hard time recognizing transgender people. Add being nonbinary and people instantly want to reject you even within the LGTBQ community. For me I knew I was more male than female but at the same time I didn't identify completely 100% male. Hence the self discovery of being nonbinary. Transgender comes into play for me because I wish to transition medically so society doesn't look at me and say SHE. I am so far removed from my assigned sex at birth that it brings about intense dsyphoria at times when someone calls me she, ma'am or perceives me as a woman.

I did identify from October 15, 2017 to recently as a transgender male because honestly I didn't realize there was a term for what I was experiencing inside. I thought it was all or nothing. I didn't realize there were nonbinary people who have chosen to take HRT because they definitely don't want to be seen as their assigned sex at birth. It wasn't until I began to form friendships with people who identify as trans and nonbinary that I had the right words to express who I am.

Gender is a process for me. It is a process/journey of self discovery. Every day I am learning more and more about myself. Each day I grow more and more comfortable with who I am as a transgender nonbinary person.

Before I ever realized I was transgender and was still living as my assigned sex at birth, I had identified as a lesbian. For nearly half of my life as a female, I was attracted to the same sex. But because I went to a fundamentalist Christian church, I stayed in the closet for many years. Then after getting out of jail and having been given my freedom again, I had a new lease on life. I knew that I had to stop living in the closet out of fear for what Christians may do. That is when I came out publically to the world because I had enough of my church telling me I was sinful and evil when I knew that I wasn't. This caused me to be kicked out of my decade long church and left me without any church home for quite a few months. It was then that the gender discovery process started because bad religious teaching wasn't being crammed down my throat. It was just God and me.

Gender and sexuality are two separate and distinct topics. So please don't get them intertwined because they are not meant to be. You can be trans and straight, or trans and gay or trans and a number of other sexualities.

I hope that this blog clears up some of the confusion or questions some of you may have but are too afraid to ask. If you have any questions feel free to email them to me: bornagainchristian2004@yahoo.com. If you chose to leave a comment, please make sure it's respectful and you leave at least a first name. If your comment isn't respectful, it will get deleted as soon as I see it. I created this blog with Gods prompting and created it to be a safe place for all queer folxs. We face enough discrimination and hatred and phobic behaviors in society and sometimes religion that we all need a soft place to land.

Be blessed this gorgeous Sunday afternoon,

Brian Lee

This Is Me

I really love this song and have been wanting to write about it for a while now. Ever since I heard it, it has become my anthem in my medical and social transition.

"I am not a stranger to the dark, Hide away, they say, Cause we don't want your broken parts, I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars, Run away, they say, No one'll love you as you are"

I am definitely no stranger to the dark. My old church told me to hide. They didn't want my broken parts. They taught me to be ashamed of my scars and taught me no one would love me as a lesbian woman. I spent 4 months in spiritual darkness looking for a spiritual home. My current church is AMAZING, my senior and associate pastors and the congregation have done the exact OPPOSITE! They have welcomed me broken and all scarred up. They have caused me to stop running. They loved me as a cis-gender woman and then when I revealed that I was in fact a transgender person - they still loved me. I didn't have to hide who I was to be loved. I no longer had to wear a mask of having it together or what religion said in order to be loved and accepted and welcomed. I COULD STOP RUNNING! I COULD STOP HIDING! I COULD BE ME!!!!
"But I won't let them break me down to dust, I know that there's a place for us, For we are glorious."

I will not let the world...
I will not let the institution known as The UMC....
I will not let any man-made religion....

tell me that there is no place for me or any other queer folx or sibling of color. We are GLORIOUS! GLORIOUS IN THE BELOVED's EYES!

"When the sharpest words wanna cut me down, I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out"

When the negative words of the world and religion and the nay-sayers want to cut me and other queer folxs and siblings of color - I will raise my voice with the many queer voices in existence already and drown them out. There are TOO MANY of us for me to listen to the negativity.

"I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I'm meant to be, this is me, Look out 'cause here I come
.....I'm not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, this is me"

I've been told I am brave. I don't see that in myself, but slowly I am beginning to see it. I'm bruised but yet I still keep getting back up and be willing to fight for who I am, who I'm meant to be. This is me, I'm coming out to the world, I'm not scared to be visible and I wont apologize for that. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aydY1eiGjgs


Brian Lee

Guest Post by my big brother

Here is my big brother's post about semicolon day 2018:

“I hope she gets hit by a bus. I hope she gets hit by a bus.”

Have you ever seen Sister Act? Those words, spoken by Whoopi Goldberg’s parole officer. That was the scene that welcomed me onto the Green Line. He wasn’t actually Whoopi Goldberg’s parole officer, but he looked enough like him to remind me of that movie actor - ragged coffee with milk skin, afro, wide nose. Mean eyes.

I, still being a she, was the target of that epithet.

I staggered onto the light rail car, plugged in my headphones for the ride, and staggered off of it, like someone medicated. I paused long enough to say “Fuck You” to my assailant.

He laughed.

Later, days later, I would attempt to beat up a pole.

Then, the night before a guest came over, I’d cuss out two friends, one who was coming out to the other. All because I was triggered by the word, “Bitches.”

This dull crescendo led to me trying to dislodge a piece of plexi-glass from a bus stop shelter. I was about to start my new job at a call center. Boys were ridiculing me for the way I smelled - leaky bladders do not do well on large city transit routes. I wanted to cut my throat there and then, a testament to the whole city that hated me. I’m going now, would be my final phrase.

Fast forward eight years. I’m still haunted by those cold days, but I’m a member of my local UU congregation. I have a few friends, online and off. I have another, less public, suicide attempt under my belt. My dad is losing his spark. His heart disease hangs over my mom and me like a heavy, wet blanket. I cry frequently. I don’t think of suicide.

And yet despite the darkness, there’s warmth. Not only in the more temperate streets that I Uber - rarely bus - around in, but in my family, my church, my friend’s houses. We’re there for each other. The opposite of what I had in Portland.

Which is to say that, yes, my faith does teach us that we’re valued, but that’s not enough. We need each other to keep us from the void, from attempting to destroy ourselves. We need love from each other’s bodies and from our own soft voices.

I met Brian when he was in a somewhat dark and confused place. I was his rock the night he contacted me. But in the few months we’ve known each other, he’s become my rock, too. One of us brings up something light or heavy, then the other responds with something related and personal. Back and forth, that’s what we do. Round and round and round we go, where we stop, nobody knows.

Brian and I have a shared history. Not from each other but from nearly identical curves in each others’ paths. We’re both non-binary trans, one curve. We both get nervous around strangers’ bodies, another curve. We both want to go into the ministry, a wide-brimmed, soft-to-the-foot hiking trail leading to a golden meadow, not yet to be seen, maybe only available in our shared imagination. We both care about people. The treads on our hiking boots are cushy because of this. But sometimes we hit rocks.

I hope the rocks that Brian hits while caring, while climbing up to the meadow, are not too big for him, and that the sprains he might suffer along the way heal fully. I hope he tends to these sprains, and I hope he can count on others, me included, to offer him a cool rag when he’s hurting. I’ll want that rag too sometimes, and I can count on Brian to offer it back to me.

With luck, this camaraderie that we share will keeps us from destroying ourselves. We need each other, and we both really want to see that meadow.

World Semicolon ; Day 2018

Today is #semicolonday2018! The semicolon has become popular among suicide survivors and self harmers. It stands for *where your life could've ended, it continues*. One statistic that isn't shown here is that 41% of transgender people try to complete suicide or have completed suicide. This day is special to me, it ranks up there with Transgender Day of Visibility and Transgender Day of Remembrance.

I struggle with writing this blog because this is a very real thing for me. It isn't just a fad or something cool to do. I have a semicolon tattooed on my right wrist for a reason.

This reason is back around May 2016, I swallowed about 20 pills in attempts to end my life and my three beautiful children where right down the hall sleeping. I don't know exactly what got me to that point to be honest. I just know I was feeling pain and I wanted it to end at all costs. My sleeping children were not even reason enough to stay alive at that point. I seriously thought they would be better off without me as their parent because I'd had numerous psych hospital admissions. I am one of 100 million people who live with depression, I am one of 25 million who live with bipolar, and I'm one of 15 million people who live with panic disorders (Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Agoraphobia). At the time I didn't realize I was transgender because I hadn't made the connection yet - but I was one of the 41% of trans people who try to complete suicide. I went to bed that night hoping and praying to not wake up at all and to pass in my sleep. No, I wasn't thinking about if my kids found me dead or anything like that. I was just wanting to peacefully die in my sleep. But apparently God saw fit to wake me up that next morning.

Oh my was I so PISSED! I don't even remember that day other than getting into my old children's pastors truck, going to my therapist office, waking up in the ER with the children's pastor asking for my keys, signing myself into the hospital and my old associate pastor visiting me. For three days I don't remember my stay..... But then I started coming too and was thankful God woke me up. Well until my old senior pastor opened up his mouth and said "You let the wind out of our sails. If you had just listened to our counseling you wouldn't be in your darkest time of need." and then the old children's pastor said, "If you ever do anything so selfish again, I will make sure you never see your kids again."

Fast forward to today. I struggle with suicidal thoughts, but I am no longer suicidal. There is a difference. I have a reason to live now.

I have amazing people that I have met through the process of my transition and my journey of faith.

My adoptive son, Kyllann, who I met back in Sept of last year. I didn't realize I was trans but through talking to him I was able to see myself for who I really was, a transgender person. I owe him so much that I could never repay him and can never adequately express how much he really means to me. He is my son and I am so proud of him that is for damn sure.

My senior pastor is my strongest supporter locally in my transition, it is SOOOOO STINKING CUTE because this past Saturday we shared a real tender and precious moment in her office. She said she noticed my facial hair on my lip and I showed her were the hair is growing in lightly that she couldn't "see" plainly. Then I asked for her hand and I had her feel the stubble that is growing underneath my chin.

I met a wonderful pastor, Kai, face to face who is openly queer and in the UMC and we broke bread and fellowshipped. It was spiritually fulfilling and it was a unique experience to be in fellowship with someone from the same community (queer and of faith).

I formed a friendship/mentorship type of relationship with my friend M who is a transgender non-binary pastor in the UMC and director of Enfleshed. M has helped in so many ways personally and through their ministry. They have spent time answering countless theological questions especially about Wesleyan theology (which I'm sure they were in their glory because they are a theology expert). But M has been there for me when I needed pastoral care to help pick up the pieces as I transition.

My big brother, Sam, oh my I can't say enough. I reached out to Sam when I was in a dark and lonely place. Out of that grew a beautiful and amazing friendship and ended up with us calling each other "little bro" and "big bro". We share life together and are there for each other when we need each other the most. We get each other in ways that no one else possible could get us. We are each other's rocks in a cruel and unsteady world. It's a give and take - equal partnership! :)

These are just a few people who have made my life worth living and I know that I matter to them. I know that if one day I were to decide to complete suicide their lives would be affected in some way. I don't want to become a statistic. I don't want to be a transgender person who loses their life to suicide. THANK GOD THAT I DON'T HAVE TO!

But see I mention people who have made my life worth living.... On October 15, 2017 I made the biggest decision of my life and that is ultimately what makes life worth living for me. I came out as a transgender male and revealed that I go by Brian. Removing societal and religions mask saying I had to live as a female even though I didn't feel like I was one was freeing and LIFE GIVING!

When moments get hard in my life and transition, and they will because I've experienced them already, I reach out to the wonderful people who make my life worth living. I share my pain and heartache instead of holding it inside anymore. I don't shy away from help (spiritual or medical). I have people around me who are 100% supportive of me and are positive people. Life is more positive now and I'm pushing away the darkness that comes with suicide.

I'll leave you with this last thing...


Your story isn't done being written yet. Where you wanted to put a period, the Divine... the very Sacred One put a comma. YOU my friends are WORTHY of every breath of life you take. Even those breaths that are a struggle to take. Even those breaths that pain you to take because you don't know how you will go on. I NEED YOU! This world NEEDS you! We NEED you! Hold On Pain Ends! Stay strong! Keep breathing one single breath at a time.

Love in Christ,

Brian

Weeks 4 & 5 Update Plus Cool Things Happened Too

     I just realized that today marks 5 weeks on hormone replacement therapy and that I didn't do a blog for Week 4. So this blog will cover both last week and this week. Also I will be telling you about a couple of pretty cool things that have happened to me because some of things that have recently happened to me have been pretty nasty and it is always good to highlight the positive amidst the darkness.

     Week 4 there was some changes that I personally started to notice but I really thought where just in my head. You know you always think that things are happening faster than what could possibly be happening? Yah! So Week 4 was kinda an uneventful week as far as HRT goes.

     However, I met up with my mother to give her Easter baskets for my three boys. Most of you do not know but due to a plea deal I signed last October this is the ONLY way I can do ANYTHING for my children is through my mother. I sent her text messages addressing the fact that she wanted me to pretend to be my birth name and her daughter. I said basically that I cannot pretend to be that for her for my recovery and well being and that I am Brian and her son now and if she couldn't respect that we couldn't do lunch. Well she still showed up so I thought she would respect that. Folxs I was wrong....oh so wrong. I was called my birth name, referred to as a feminine version of birth name and as a female at the restaurant. I didn't say anything there because I didn't want to cause a scene. We went to Big Lots and as my stepdad was inside checking out I said to my mom, "Mom eventually you are going to have to stop calling me *insert feminine nickname of birth name*". She FLEW OFF THE HANDLE. Yelling and screaming at me, trying to say she was trying. I told her calmly that she wasn't trying because she kept calling me the feminine nickname and that she hadn't once called me Brian. I had even allowed her to pick my middle name. She then tried to turn it about respecting her and I said I have respected you, you have yet to show me any respect. She continued to yell and scream at me so I decided as she took the cart back to grab my stuff from my stepdad car and find another way home. My mom yelled at me, "So now we are being childish?" I said, "It's not childish for me to finally stick up for myself." This all happened on Holy Saturday.
     Then on Easter Sunday itself I was at Denny's with my sponsor and another guy in recovery. You would not believe who walked in. My old pastor and his wife, yes the ones who kicked me out for being lesbian. The wife said "Hi insert legal name." I said Hi. However underneath the table I was shaking and wishing they wouldn't have said a word to me. My sponsor asked if I knew them...I told him and it was obvious. Then when we got up to leave they both said Bye... I said bye in return. UGH! I hadn't seen them since July 19th, 2017. It would've been better if they had just ignored me instead of them acknowledging me at all. I responded with grace instead of with the fact that I just wanted to act out and cuss them out but something inside of me said to respond with God's grace. To respond as my current congregation responded to me and NOT as my old pastors had responded to me.

     Week 5 is today. This past week there has been noticeable changes to OTHERS! YES OTHER PEOPLE HAVE NOTICED CHANGES WITHOUT ME ASKING! My old sponsor told me after a meeting that she noticed my voice was a little bit lower and that I was growing a mustache! I was and still am literally through the moon excited and like cloud 9. Someone else notices the changes that I thought I was going through even if they are small ones AND HERE IS THE KICKER.... I'm only 5 WEEKS on HRT!
    Also another really cool thing that happened to me recently is that I got to break bread with another queer Methodist Kai. They had a vacation pre-planned before we became friends and their stopping point was already planned too. Their stopping point happened to be like 15 minutes from me and when we discovered this we made last minute plans to have breakfast together. It was so awesome and special for me. Kai happens to be clergy as well so they are living out the calling that I am beginning to discern on my own life. So it was so very nourishing for me on a spiritual level to be with someone of like-minded faith and to break bread with them. It was nourishing on a community level to break bread with another queer sibling because in my area there are not very many of us & plus I had just had some horrible experiences during Holy Week. God, the Divine and Sacred, knew what they were doing when they orchestrated this trip and meeting. It was nourishment of body, mind, soul and community. I can say that I now have a real face-to-face friend thanks to the internet.

     Well I think that about wraps up this update blog. I love you all and hope and pray the Divine and Sacred's blessings upon you and yours until we fellowship again!



Brian Lee