Today is #semicolonday2018! The semicolon has become popular among suicide survivors and self harmers. It stands for *where your life could've ended, it continues*. One statistic that isn't shown here is that 41% of transgender people try to complete suicide or have completed suicide. This day is special to me, it ranks up there with Transgender Day of Visibility and Transgender Day of Remembrance.
I struggle with writing this blog because this is a very real thing for me. It isn't just a fad or something cool to do. I have a semicolon tattooed on my right wrist for a reason.
This reason is back around May 2016, I swallowed about 20 pills in attempts to end my life and my three beautiful children where right down the hall sleeping. I don't know exactly what got me to that point to be honest. I just know I was feeling pain and I wanted it to end at all costs. My sleeping children were not even reason enough to stay alive at that point. I seriously thought they would be better off without me as their parent because I'd had numerous psych hospital admissions. I am one of 100 million people who live with depression, I am one of 25 million who live with bipolar, and I'm one of 15 million people who live with panic disorders (Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Agoraphobia). At the time I didn't realize I was transgender because I hadn't made the connection yet - but I was one of the 41% of trans people who try to complete suicide. I went to bed that night hoping and praying to not wake up at all and to pass in my sleep. No, I wasn't thinking about if my kids found me dead or anything like that. I was just wanting to peacefully die in my sleep. But apparently God saw fit to wake me up that next morning.
Oh my was I so PISSED! I don't even remember that day other than getting into my old children's pastors truck, going to my therapist office, waking up in the ER with the children's pastor asking for my keys, signing myself into the hospital and my old associate pastor visiting me. For three days I don't remember my stay..... But then I started coming too and was thankful God woke me up. Well until my old senior pastor opened up his mouth and said "You let the wind out of our sails. If you had just listened to our counseling you wouldn't be in your darkest time of need." and then the old children's pastor said, "If you ever do anything so selfish again, I will make sure you never see your kids again."
Fast forward to today. I struggle with suicidal thoughts, but I am no longer suicidal. There is a difference. I have a reason to live now.
I have amazing people that I have met through the process of my transition and my journey of faith.
My adoptive son, Kyllann, who I met back in Sept of last year. I didn't realize I was trans but through talking to him I was able to see myself for who I really was, a transgender person. I owe him so much that I could never repay him and can never adequately express how much he really means to me. He is my son and I am so proud of him that is for damn sure.
My senior pastor is my strongest supporter locally in my transition, it is SOOOOO STINKING CUTE because this past Saturday we shared a real tender and precious moment in her office. She said she noticed my facial hair on my lip and I showed her were the hair is growing in lightly that she couldn't "see" plainly. Then I asked for her hand and I had her feel the stubble that is growing underneath my chin.
I met a wonderful pastor, Kai, face to face who is openly queer and in the UMC and we broke bread and fellowshipped. It was spiritually fulfilling and it was a unique experience to be in fellowship with someone from the same community (queer and of faith).
I formed a friendship/mentorship type of relationship with my friend M who is a transgender non-binary pastor in the UMC and director of Enfleshed. M has helped in so many ways personally and through their ministry. They have spent time answering countless theological questions especially about Wesleyan theology (which I'm sure they were in their glory because they are a theology expert). But M has been there for me when I needed pastoral care to help pick up the pieces as I transition.
My big brother, Sam, oh my I can't say enough. I reached out to Sam when I was in a dark and lonely place. Out of that grew a beautiful and amazing friendship and ended up with us calling each other "little bro" and "big bro". We share life together and are there for each other when we need each other the most. We get each other in ways that no one else possible could get us. We are each other's rocks in a cruel and unsteady world. It's a give and take - equal partnership! :)
These are just a few people who have made my life worth living and I know that I matter to them. I know that if one day I were to decide to complete suicide their lives would be affected in some way. I don't want to become a statistic. I don't want to be a transgender person who loses their life to suicide. THANK GOD THAT I DON'T HAVE TO!
But see I mention people who have made my life worth living.... On October 15, 2017 I made the biggest decision of my life and that is ultimately what makes life worth living for me. I came out as a transgender male and revealed that I go by Brian. Removing societal and religions mask saying I had to live as a female even though I didn't feel like I was one was freeing and LIFE GIVING!
When moments get hard in my life and transition, and they will because I've experienced them already, I reach out to the wonderful people who make my life worth living. I share my pain and heartache instead of holding it inside anymore. I don't shy away from help (spiritual or medical). I have people around me who are 100% supportive of me and are positive people. Life is more positive now and I'm pushing away the darkness that comes with suicide.
I'll leave you with this last thing...
Your story isn't done being written yet. Where you wanted to put a period, the Divine... the very Sacred One put a comma. YOU my friends are WORTHY of every breath of life you take. Even those breaths that are a struggle to take. Even those breaths that pain you to take because you don't know how you will go on. I NEED YOU! This world NEEDS you! We NEED you! Hold On Pain Ends! Stay strong! Keep breathing one single breath at a time.
Love in Christ,
Brian
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