Week 4 there was some changes that I personally started to notice but I really thought where just in my head. You know you always think that things are happening faster than what could possibly be happening? Yah! So Week 4 was kinda an uneventful week as far as HRT goes.
However, I met up with my mother to give her Easter baskets for my three boys. Most of you do not know but due to a plea deal I signed last October this is the ONLY way I can do ANYTHING for my children is through my mother. I sent her text messages addressing the fact that she wanted me to pretend to be my birth name and her daughter. I said basically that I cannot pretend to be that for her for my recovery and well being and that I am Brian and her son now and if she couldn't respect that we couldn't do lunch. Well she still showed up so I thought she would respect that. Folxs I was wrong....oh so wrong. I was called my birth name, referred to as a feminine version of birth name and as a female at the restaurant. I didn't say anything there because I didn't want to cause a scene. We went to Big Lots and as my stepdad was inside checking out I said to my mom, "Mom eventually you are going to have to stop calling me *insert feminine nickname of birth name*". She FLEW OFF THE HANDLE. Yelling and screaming at me, trying to say she was trying. I told her calmly that she wasn't trying because she kept calling me the feminine nickname and that she hadn't once called me Brian. I had even allowed her to pick my middle name. She then tried to turn it about respecting her and I said I have respected you, you have yet to show me any respect. She continued to yell and scream at me so I decided as she took the cart back to grab my stuff from my stepdad car and find another way home. My mom yelled at me, "So now we are being childish?" I said, "It's not childish for me to finally stick up for myself." This all happened on Holy Saturday.
Then on Easter Sunday itself I was at Denny's with my sponsor and another guy in recovery. You would not believe who walked in. My old pastor and his wife, yes the ones who kicked me out for being lesbian. The wife said "Hi insert legal name." I said Hi. However underneath the table I was shaking and wishing they wouldn't have said a word to me. My sponsor asked if I knew them...I told him and it was obvious. Then when we got up to leave they both said Bye... I said bye in return. UGH! I hadn't seen them since July 19th, 2017. It would've been better if they had just ignored me instead of them acknowledging me at all. I responded with grace instead of with the fact that I just wanted to act out and cuss them out but something inside of me said to respond with God's grace. To respond as my current congregation responded to me and NOT as my old pastors had responded to me.
Week 5 is today. This past week there has been noticeable changes to OTHERS! YES OTHER PEOPLE HAVE NOTICED CHANGES WITHOUT ME ASKING! My old sponsor told me after a meeting that she noticed my voice was a little bit lower and that I was growing a mustache! I was and still am literally through the moon excited and like cloud 9. Someone else notices the changes that I thought I was going through even if they are small ones AND HERE IS THE KICKER.... I'm only 5 WEEKS on HRT!
Also another really cool thing that happened to me recently is that I got to break bread with another queer Methodist Kai. They had a vacation pre-planned before we became friends and their stopping point was already planned too. Their stopping point happened to be like 15 minutes from me and when we discovered this we made last minute plans to have breakfast together. It was so awesome and special for me. Kai happens to be clergy as well so they are living out the calling that I am beginning to discern on my own life. So it was so very nourishing for me on a spiritual level to be with someone of like-minded faith and to break bread with them. It was nourishing on a community level to break bread with another queer sibling because in my area there are not very many of us & plus I had just had some horrible experiences during Holy Week. God, the Divine and Sacred, knew what they were doing when they orchestrated this trip and meeting. It was nourishment of body, mind, soul and community. I can say that I now have a real face-to-face friend thanks to the internet.
Well I think that about wraps up this update blog. I love you all and hope and pray the Divine and Sacred's blessings upon you and yours until we fellowship again!
Brian Lee
Then on Easter Sunday itself I was at Denny's with my sponsor and another guy in recovery. You would not believe who walked in. My old pastor and his wife, yes the ones who kicked me out for being lesbian. The wife said "Hi insert legal name." I said Hi. However underneath the table I was shaking and wishing they wouldn't have said a word to me. My sponsor asked if I knew them...I told him and it was obvious. Then when we got up to leave they both said Bye... I said bye in return. UGH! I hadn't seen them since July 19th, 2017. It would've been better if they had just ignored me instead of them acknowledging me at all. I responded with grace instead of with the fact that I just wanted to act out and cuss them out but something inside of me said to respond with God's grace. To respond as my current congregation responded to me and NOT as my old pastors had responded to me.
Week 5 is today. This past week there has been noticeable changes to OTHERS! YES OTHER PEOPLE HAVE NOTICED CHANGES WITHOUT ME ASKING! My old sponsor told me after a meeting that she noticed my voice was a little bit lower and that I was growing a mustache! I was and still am literally through the moon excited and like cloud 9. Someone else notices the changes that I thought I was going through even if they are small ones AND HERE IS THE KICKER.... I'm only 5 WEEKS on HRT!
Also another really cool thing that happened to me recently is that I got to break bread with another queer Methodist Kai. They had a vacation pre-planned before we became friends and their stopping point was already planned too. Their stopping point happened to be like 15 minutes from me and when we discovered this we made last minute plans to have breakfast together. It was so awesome and special for me. Kai happens to be clergy as well so they are living out the calling that I am beginning to discern on my own life. So it was so very nourishing for me on a spiritual level to be with someone of like-minded faith and to break bread with them. It was nourishing on a community level to break bread with another queer sibling because in my area there are not very many of us & plus I had just had some horrible experiences during Holy Week. God, the Divine and Sacred, knew what they were doing when they orchestrated this trip and meeting. It was nourishment of body, mind, soul and community. I can say that I now have a real face-to-face friend thanks to the internet.
Well I think that about wraps up this update blog. I love you all and hope and pray the Divine and Sacred's blessings upon you and yours until we fellowship again!
Brian Lee
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