Beloved Community and Belonging

   
          Hello everyone! How are you folx doing or been doing this first week of Pride Month 2018? I will be honest it has been a busy week filled with a LOT of emotions for me. Personal stuff that is going on with those I love & this is my first Pride Month as my true self. But wow what a first week of Pride it has been and I haven't even attended anything either.

     For me - the biggest change is I've been reading this book by Rev. Elizabeth Edman called Queer Virtue. AMAZING and LIFE CHANGING! I have struggled a good bit with being queer-identified and being Christian during my transition journey. Liz has been amazing at stringing along words to explain how Christianity is inherently queer and how queer people and Christian people hold the same values in the end. I am grateful for the opportunity to spotlight her and Queer Virtue in a blog later on in the month.
     One quote from her book, Queer Virtue, that meant a lot to me is the following:
                    "To walk the Christian path is to encounter God's self-revelation,
                     which constantly advances both of these ends - shaking us up,
                     and breaking us open. Both of these ends have something to do
                     with liberating us, which is to say: God queers our world, our lives,
                     our hearts in order to set us free."
     This was pivotal for me because I honestly never thought of God, Herself, queering our world. Let alone our lives and hearts in order to SET US FREE! God has led me on this journey of self-revelation and discovery since July of last year. This journey all started with being kicked out of a church I attended for 10+ years all because I identified as a queer sexual at first. Without harmful religious beliefs being crammed down my throat - I was free to finally explore why I felt differently throughout my childhood. I didn't have a name for what I was feeling until I met some transgender people. I heard their stories and was like HOLY CRAP THIS IS ME! I mean it was comforting to know that I was not alone.
     Then I began to struggle with being queer and being Christian. Could I be both? Was my identification of being queer sinful in the eyes of God? Would I have to choose between who I realized I was and my identification of a Christian? Thank God herself for placing people into my life who were queer clergy or queer spiritual people in my life.
     One of the most influential connections was with my friend M Barclay. They are the first openly trans nonbinary deacon within the United Methodist Church and run a ministry called enfleshed. You'll hear more about them and their life/ministry later on this month because I'll be spotlighting them. M became a friend, a spiritual mentor and even a pastor of sorts to me. I'm a new, young United Methodist and had a ton of questions about beliefs and doctrine that the UMC believes and follows. It was nice to have someone, besides my local pastor, to pick their brain! But the thing that I have gotten most out of my friendship with M -  they have helped me to see that I could be both queer and Christian. That being queer wasn't sinful and that being queer is divine!  I didn't have to choose between my gender and being a Christian. God loved me for both. M helped me discover that for myself.
     Another pivotal connection ended up being my Big Sib, Sam Allen. They are a Unitarian Universalist and will be featured on the blog later this month. Sam has been amazing, warm, and caring. They have been there for me as I've dealt with stuff and offered their own spiritual counsel. I love Sam's unique insight on things and it is refreshing to get a different perspective on issues.
    Relationships have been so essential for my discovery process. Without each of these pieces - I do not believe I would be who I am today or that I would be where I am at. I am becoming stronger, more prideful of my identity as a queer, trans, non-binary Christian. Pride used to be an evil or bad word in my eyes. But I see it as necessary for my life to be one of happiness and fulfillment.
     As you can see, the blog will be very active because I plan on spotlighting people of different faiths and how their queerness and their faith paths have helped them and relate to Pride Month. So it will be very busy and I hope that you will enjoy it.

Be Blessed in Your Coming and Goings,


Brian Lee

Trans Pride Flag

Nonbinary Pride Flag

Queer Pride Flag

A Long Overdue Update

     Well hello everyone! Long time no "see". I am so very sorry that I have been inactive in writing this blog. I have been going through a rough patch and this blog will explain it for you all. You know that I am an open book when it comes to my struggles so that I can be a voice for those who have no voice or for those who are too scared and might need someone to reach out to.

     If you have read my previous blog posts - you know that I suffer from mental illness. I am diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. I was on a combination of Cymbalta, Depakote, Latuda and Topamax but those medications stopped working. My doctor tried getting me on a new medication Vraylar but the insurance wouldn't cover it. I had been off medication for a while. Since May 19th, 2018 - I suffered mostly in silence with suicidal thoughts. On Tuesday May 22nd - I had literally had enough.

     When you get to the point that you hate yourself, life and God - SOMETHING is WRONG! But the thing was I didn't check myself into the hospital for myself. I checked myself in because I knew if I did what I wanted to do which was to leave this earth for good that I would hurt way too many people (my adoptive kids, my sponsor, my pastor, my big brother, my friends M and Kai to name a few). I cared more about the fact that I would hurt others by what would've been my choice.

     My sponsor in many ways saved my life last Tuesday.... After a meeting - I told him what was going on and he had me make phone calls to Clarion and to my Certified Recovery Specialist. Everyone in my life was telling me to check myself into the hospital. So I did. But I didn't do it for me.... no I did it for everyone else. I wanted to go to Clarion but their beds where full. So I ended up at Somerset BHU and THANK GOODNESS I ended up there.

     The attending psychiatrist ran a panel of blood work but also included B12 and D3 vitamin levels. I found out that both Vitamins B12 and D3 contribute to depression in people with low enough levels. MY GOD - MAYBE I WASNT AS CRAZY AS I THOUGHT IN MY HEAD? There was an ACTUAL BIOLOGICAL PIECE to my depression and there was a reason as to why medication and therapy wasn't working for me. I am currently on 5,000 units of Vitamin D3 (which equals 5 pills a day), 1,000 units of Vitamin B12 (1 pill a day), and Abilify (1 pill a day). I was just released from the hospital today and I am so grateful for it.

    Vitamin B12 deficiency can cause a host of problems. Here are some of the symptoms that I experienced and had NO CLUE this was an indication of a deficiency....
*Weakness, tiredness
*Nerve problems, numbness and tingling, muscle weakness
*Vision loss (my eyes got weaker
*Mental problems, depression and mood changes

     Vitamin D3 deficiency can also cause a host of problems too. Here are some of the symptoms that I experienced and again had no clue...
*getting sick often
*fatigue and tiredness
*back pain
*depression (a study suggests that 65% of people with low vitamin D3 levels experience depression symptoms)
*muscle pain

     Vitamin B12 and Vitamin D3 are not on your typical blood panels. So if you ever do go see a doctor or go inpatient at a hospital - ask for these tests to be done (they are covered under insurances). It could save you from having multiple hospital admissions like I did.

     Now onto my transition update -
I just took my second increased dose of testosterone (150mg, 1.5ml). This is my 12th week on hormone replacement therapy and I have experienced more changes - neck facial hair (the infamous trans neck beard i've been told, lol), my other facial hair is growing in darker and my voice. Oh my god, folks, my dang voice has been stuck in the squeeky, raspy, sounds like I got a flipping cold for the last two weeks. LOL! I LOVE IT! WHY? Because it means my voice will get deeper and I'm excited for it to settle into my new normal. My hospital dr said he didn't want me stopping HRT at all so I still have the go-ahead to keep going through with it. So I want you all to know that I place my health over my transition first and foremost because I believe in living by example. I want you all to keep your health first and listen to your doctors.

     I unfortunately had to withdrawal from school for the summer term as a result of this hospitalization. But it was for the best. My university offers a one time tuition fee waiver which I will be getting and will save me $5,000 and keep my financial aid intact. A small price to pay for better health.

     Well that is more than enough for now! PLEASE, PLEASE, If you ever feel like you are going to harm yourself - please reach out for help.

Here are some numbers for you to call:
Trevor Project:
866-488-7386

Trevor Project (Trevor Text):
Text "Trevor" to 1-202-304-1200. Text message rates apply. Available Mon-Fri 3pm-10 EST/12noon-7pm PST

Trans Life Line:
US: 877-565-8860
Canada: 877-330-6366
Hours of Operation:
PST: 8am-2am
MST: 9am-3am
CST: 10am-4am
EST: 11am-5am
Alaska: 7am-1am
Hawaii: 6am to 12am

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-8255
Available 24/7

YOU ARE WORTH LIFE!,

Brian Lee

9 Week Update & Blood Test Results

Hello everyone! Blessings to you this beautiful Thursday morning. As I type this, I am enjoying a frozen caramel latte made with skim milk and extra espresso and flavoring and of course, whipped cream. Yummy. It amazes me that nowadays it doesn't take much to make me happy. A nice frozen coffee drink from my favorite gas station hits the spot.

As many of you know, I had my first follow-up with Dr. Wolfe on May 3rd to see how I've been progressing and to have my follow up labs done. The visit went absolutely AMAZING!

The same nurse who saw me in Feb, when I first went to Dr. Wolfe seeking testosterone, was the same one who examined me at my follow up. All's I did was walk back and say hello to her. She said "You look so happy from when I last saw you. You have such an aura about you. Look at you making me smile and I don't even know why I am smiling."  Folxs let me tell you something, that was literally the greatest thing she could have ever said to me. You see I attribute the happiness and the aura change to two things: living my authentic self as a transgender nonbinary person & the fact that I am working a 12 step program and in recovery. For once in my life, I am infecting someone with good things... Happiness. Me just being me made someone else smile. Because of recovery, I realized who I truly was inside and I am able to be happy. (Side note: Ya'all we celebrated 9 months clean on May 6, 2018)

Dr Wolfe came in and we went over the changes I noticed and liked plus the one I didn't like. The nurse came back in and drew about three vials of blood. You would think after 2 months worth of injections and staring at an inch and a half long needle I could look while they drew the blood. HELL NO! This person looked away AND closed my eyes. I don't think I'll be able to ever get to liking the blood work aspect of this process. I mentioned this to the nurse and she said it's because the injections are something that you WANT to do not that you have to do. They did a CBC panel (normal blood work up), lipid panel (cholesterol, sometimes testosterone can elevate cholesterol) & a testosterone level. Dr Wolfe said that the results for the normal blood work would be in that day but that the hormone levels would take 24hrs. This was on a Thursday mind you, LOL.

This enby is impatient. I called Friday, Saturday and Monday once to check to see if my hormone levels had come back. Each time I was told nope, that was the one piece missing from all my labs. So it's been 5 days since the vampire took my blood (a little humor there). Tuesday I called and the office was closed when I did. What office is closed at 2pm on a Tuesday? Anyways I go about my day and around 5pm I get a call from a private number. I was tempted to NOT answer my phone because if I don't know you or you call from a private number and I'm not expecting your call, it can go to voicemail first. Luckily for me, I answered because it happened to be my doctor calling me personally.

My labs had all come back. My cbc panel was great, my cholesterol was great, my liver function was great. The issue, my testosterone level wasn't where it needed to be. It was on the low end, mid 250's. Standard range is between 500-1000. He told me an average males levels are between 500-600. He said I want to increase your dosage from 100mg every 14 days to 150 mg every 14 days. He said in 6weeks I want you to go have your levels drawn again but do it on the week you don't inject and make it the same day of the week you would inject. So he called in the dosage change to the pharmacy and I got a text from my pharmacy saying out of stock. I guess due to the dosage increase the insurance paid for a new vial of my hormones.

Next Tuesday I will start my injections with the updated dose. Then on the 7th Tuesday after that shot I will go have my hormone level checked to see if we increased enough. Personally I am extremely excited with the fact my dosage was increased. I'm already seeing fat redistrubtion, facial contour, facial hair growth and voice deepening changes at 2 months on testosterone with 100mg. I can't wait to see the changes that will happen as a result of being at 150mg.

There you go folxs! That is the latest in my transgender nonbinary journey.

I pray you are all happy and well!



Brian

Two Months on Testosterone

(not my photo, this is a stock photo from Google)

I cannot even begin to believe that I am here writing this blog for you all. I never ever in a million years thought this would be a reality in my life. When I started this journey, I didn't think I would be blogging and living out my transition in such a public way. I loved to write but I never have really seen myself as one because I was always put down. Then I met this wonderful human named Terri and they saw something in my writing. Ever since then Terri has called out the writer in me and nurtured it and is bringing it to life.

This ride through medical transition has ended up being easier than I had originally thought. Personally (for me) social transitioning is the most difficult process of this whole journey. You never know what people are going to do or say. You never know if people will accept you for you or if they will verbally attack you (I had that happen to me just yesterday). My skin for being able to brush people off is still very much soft, but it is getting thicker with each encounter that I have. I am learning to not take things to heart so much and that when people say transphobic or hateful things it is a reflection of them and not of me as a person. I know who I am and who God has created me to be and who She created in the very first place.

These last two months I have experienced different changes. Mood swings have become lessened and more mellow. I have found that I am more calculated in my thinking process meaning that I just want to know what the problem is and just get right down to fixing it to be honest. Testosterone has increased my libido which is a pain especially when you are single and are not in a relationship with anyone. But the changes that I love and I really do mean LOVE have been noticeable by people for about the last 3 weeks I've been on hormones.

Just today (5/1/2018) I was talking with my pastor after morning bible study and I told her how I still see my voice as extremely feminine. She said oh no, you've definitely settled into the male range. I can hear the difference. This was the same woman who noticed my mustache around Week 4-5 too. She has been amazing and such a supporter and a cheerleader. GOD I wish all of you queer folxs had a pastor like her, I pray that we have more pastors supportive of queer folxs.... You all deserve that support just as much as I do.

My voice has steadily dropped and still continues to do so. I use this voice analyzer app on my android phone and at first (pre-T) I registered female. Then after about two weeks of T, I would register in between... This went on for another two weeks, where my voice would register in the "in between" stage. Just recently I would guess about Week 5 is when the app would register "male". This made me so happy because I could "feel" my vocal cords thickening but I couldn't hear a difference in my voice. Then people around me started commented on how low my voice had gotten around a week ago.

I go to see Dr. Stephen Wolfe on Thursday of this week (May 3rd) for my follow-up and blood draw. I am so excited to see if he notices the same changes that everyone else has been noticing too. The last time we saw each other was in February and I was discussing wanting and needing to get on testosterone.

I am so grateful for the people in my life who have rallied around me during this whole transition. You all have made this journey amazing, contributing in your own ways. There have been some heart wrenching moments and you folxs have been there to wipe away my tears and offer me counsel. But there have been moments of joy and celebration (UMATI facebook throwing me a virtual party on the day I started medical transition for instance) and there have been loads of laughter.

I am thankful that I have a faith that has given me the strength to accept that I am queer and transgender nonbinary and boldly proclaim that. I am thankful that I have been given a voice so I can be a voice for transgender people who may have their voice silenced for a number of reasons. I thank God that she has surrounded me with other queer umc folxs who share similar experiences but also share a like-minded faith. I am thankful to God that in this process I have found and gained a friend who I now call my Big Brother - Sam - they have been my rock and been there for me and in many ways protected me when I needed it. I am thankful that I have a friend who is a mentor when it comes to my writing, Terri, and they have seen so much in me and pour life into my passion for writing.

Coming out as transgender and going through this medical transition journey has enriched my life and made it so full and overflowing. I have grown leaps and bounds and still have more to go. But I am grateful I can finally face the world as Brian, as my authentic self and no longer wearing a mask.

Thank you all for your support! You matter so very much to me!



Love in Divine,
Brian

My Journey to Self Discovery

I recently discovered I had my first blog comment by a "troll" and it was cruel and insensitive. I did end up deleting it. But ironically they brought up a good point, their delivery method was messed up but their point was valid. It made me realize that you all, my readers, might be confused a little with my identification changes.

I am not using this blog to justify my gender or who I am. I don't have to do that for anyone. But I feel that some of you might be confused or not understand where I am coming from. The purpose of this blog is to educate you on my process, my journey to self discovery up until this point.

Currently I identify as a transgender nonbinary person who wishes to present as a male to society. What does that mean and how did I come to that revelation or discovery? I know that I am not at all wanting society to see me as female. Society in and of itself has a hard time recognizing transgender people. Add being nonbinary and people instantly want to reject you even within the LGTBQ community. For me I knew I was more male than female but at the same time I didn't identify completely 100% male. Hence the self discovery of being nonbinary. Transgender comes into play for me because I wish to transition medically so society doesn't look at me and say SHE. I am so far removed from my assigned sex at birth that it brings about intense dsyphoria at times when someone calls me she, ma'am or perceives me as a woman.

I did identify from October 15, 2017 to recently as a transgender male because honestly I didn't realize there was a term for what I was experiencing inside. I thought it was all or nothing. I didn't realize there were nonbinary people who have chosen to take HRT because they definitely don't want to be seen as their assigned sex at birth. It wasn't until I began to form friendships with people who identify as trans and nonbinary that I had the right words to express who I am.

Gender is a process for me. It is a process/journey of self discovery. Every day I am learning more and more about myself. Each day I grow more and more comfortable with who I am as a transgender nonbinary person.

Before I ever realized I was transgender and was still living as my assigned sex at birth, I had identified as a lesbian. For nearly half of my life as a female, I was attracted to the same sex. But because I went to a fundamentalist Christian church, I stayed in the closet for many years. Then after getting out of jail and having been given my freedom again, I had a new lease on life. I knew that I had to stop living in the closet out of fear for what Christians may do. That is when I came out publically to the world because I had enough of my church telling me I was sinful and evil when I knew that I wasn't. This caused me to be kicked out of my decade long church and left me without any church home for quite a few months. It was then that the gender discovery process started because bad religious teaching wasn't being crammed down my throat. It was just God and me.

Gender and sexuality are two separate and distinct topics. So please don't get them intertwined because they are not meant to be. You can be trans and straight, or trans and gay or trans and a number of other sexualities.

I hope that this blog clears up some of the confusion or questions some of you may have but are too afraid to ask. If you have any questions feel free to email them to me: bornagainchristian2004@yahoo.com. If you chose to leave a comment, please make sure it's respectful and you leave at least a first name. If your comment isn't respectful, it will get deleted as soon as I see it. I created this blog with Gods prompting and created it to be a safe place for all queer folxs. We face enough discrimination and hatred and phobic behaviors in society and sometimes religion that we all need a soft place to land.

Be blessed this gorgeous Sunday afternoon,

Brian Lee

This Is Me

I really love this song and have been wanting to write about it for a while now. Ever since I heard it, it has become my anthem in my medical and social transition.

"I am not a stranger to the dark, Hide away, they say, Cause we don't want your broken parts, I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars, Run away, they say, No one'll love you as you are"

I am definitely no stranger to the dark. My old church told me to hide. They didn't want my broken parts. They taught me to be ashamed of my scars and taught me no one would love me as a lesbian woman. I spent 4 months in spiritual darkness looking for a spiritual home. My current church is AMAZING, my senior and associate pastors and the congregation have done the exact OPPOSITE! They have welcomed me broken and all scarred up. They have caused me to stop running. They loved me as a cis-gender woman and then when I revealed that I was in fact a transgender person - they still loved me. I didn't have to hide who I was to be loved. I no longer had to wear a mask of having it together or what religion said in order to be loved and accepted and welcomed. I COULD STOP RUNNING! I COULD STOP HIDING! I COULD BE ME!!!!
"But I won't let them break me down to dust, I know that there's a place for us, For we are glorious."

I will not let the world...
I will not let the institution known as The UMC....
I will not let any man-made religion....

tell me that there is no place for me or any other queer folx or sibling of color. We are GLORIOUS! GLORIOUS IN THE BELOVED's EYES!

"When the sharpest words wanna cut me down, I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out"

When the negative words of the world and religion and the nay-sayers want to cut me and other queer folxs and siblings of color - I will raise my voice with the many queer voices in existence already and drown them out. There are TOO MANY of us for me to listen to the negativity.

"I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I'm meant to be, this is me, Look out 'cause here I come
.....I'm not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, this is me"

I've been told I am brave. I don't see that in myself, but slowly I am beginning to see it. I'm bruised but yet I still keep getting back up and be willing to fight for who I am, who I'm meant to be. This is me, I'm coming out to the world, I'm not scared to be visible and I wont apologize for that. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aydY1eiGjgs


Brian Lee

Guest Post by my big brother

Here is my big brother's post about semicolon day 2018:

“I hope she gets hit by a bus. I hope she gets hit by a bus.”

Have you ever seen Sister Act? Those words, spoken by Whoopi Goldberg’s parole officer. That was the scene that welcomed me onto the Green Line. He wasn’t actually Whoopi Goldberg’s parole officer, but he looked enough like him to remind me of that movie actor - ragged coffee with milk skin, afro, wide nose. Mean eyes.

I, still being a she, was the target of that epithet.

I staggered onto the light rail car, plugged in my headphones for the ride, and staggered off of it, like someone medicated. I paused long enough to say “Fuck You” to my assailant.

He laughed.

Later, days later, I would attempt to beat up a pole.

Then, the night before a guest came over, I’d cuss out two friends, one who was coming out to the other. All because I was triggered by the word, “Bitches.”

This dull crescendo led to me trying to dislodge a piece of plexi-glass from a bus stop shelter. I was about to start my new job at a call center. Boys were ridiculing me for the way I smelled - leaky bladders do not do well on large city transit routes. I wanted to cut my throat there and then, a testament to the whole city that hated me. I’m going now, would be my final phrase.

Fast forward eight years. I’m still haunted by those cold days, but I’m a member of my local UU congregation. I have a few friends, online and off. I have another, less public, suicide attempt under my belt. My dad is losing his spark. His heart disease hangs over my mom and me like a heavy, wet blanket. I cry frequently. I don’t think of suicide.

And yet despite the darkness, there’s warmth. Not only in the more temperate streets that I Uber - rarely bus - around in, but in my family, my church, my friend’s houses. We’re there for each other. The opposite of what I had in Portland.

Which is to say that, yes, my faith does teach us that we’re valued, but that’s not enough. We need each other to keep us from the void, from attempting to destroy ourselves. We need love from each other’s bodies and from our own soft voices.

I met Brian when he was in a somewhat dark and confused place. I was his rock the night he contacted me. But in the few months we’ve known each other, he’s become my rock, too. One of us brings up something light or heavy, then the other responds with something related and personal. Back and forth, that’s what we do. Round and round and round we go, where we stop, nobody knows.

Brian and I have a shared history. Not from each other but from nearly identical curves in each others’ paths. We’re both non-binary trans, one curve. We both get nervous around strangers’ bodies, another curve. We both want to go into the ministry, a wide-brimmed, soft-to-the-foot hiking trail leading to a golden meadow, not yet to be seen, maybe only available in our shared imagination. We both care about people. The treads on our hiking boots are cushy because of this. But sometimes we hit rocks.

I hope the rocks that Brian hits while caring, while climbing up to the meadow, are not too big for him, and that the sprains he might suffer along the way heal fully. I hope he tends to these sprains, and I hope he can count on others, me included, to offer him a cool rag when he’s hurting. I’ll want that rag too sometimes, and I can count on Brian to offer it back to me.

With luck, this camaraderie that we share will keeps us from destroying ourselves. We need each other, and we both really want to see that meadow.