The other day I ran across a post by Enfleshed (my friend's ministry) and I made me really think. It was in response to the fact that this week is eating disorder awareness week. I didn't even know that and I suffer from an eating disorder. I have kept quiet about it on this blog until now because I didn't feel like it was something that I needed to share or that anyone would want to hear about my struggle. But Enfleshed post made me realize that all parts of our story are important.
My eating disorder that I have been diagnosed with by my therapist is bulimia. Bulimia nervosa (the medical term) is an eating disorder usually characterized by periods of binging - or excessive overeating - followed by purging. For me though sometimes it can be the simple act of eating normal meals and needing to purge. It starts out psychological and that psychological then turns into an automatic physical reaction which is difficult to stop.
Yesterday even after seeing Enfleshed post, my bulimia was in full swing. I must be honest with you all. I couldn't eat anything without purging. I was able to keep some liquids down, but not all. But something was different about yesterday's failing or fall. I had written down the ministry's post and had it out as my body fought against the food I attempted to put in it and subsequently rejected through purging.
Usually I would hear nothing but negative, hate filled voices in my head because yet again I allowed my disorder, my disease to win. I had given up the fight, my willpower was no match for my body and mind. But I kept hearing what Enfleshed post said and I'll type it here for you all to see... It was as if God was saying it to myself even as my body rejected the food I desperately tried to put it into it yesterday....
"When you, when your flesh, is targeted with destructive lies, may you hear the voice of God whispering to it tenderly, "You are perfect as you are. You are beautiful. You are beloved. Those who speak violence are afraid to love themselves. Be brave. Love you. Love the glory of your form. There is no one right way to have a body."
The destructive lies I believed is that as a transgender male is that I'm not perfect, that I'm going to hell for who I am, that i am worthless, that I'm not beloved (far from it), that I am not brave, that I am unloveable, that my form has no glory to give to God. But even as bulimia raged it's ugly head yesterday and I had nothing but the precious words of my dear friend's ministry to hold onto - God used those words to work on those destructive lies that the enemy has tried to root deep within.
He whispered to me, "Brian, You are perfect as a male. You are my beloved. I created you as transgender for a reason. You may never know in this lifetime why, but when you get to Heaven you will know the fullness of my plan. You are not worthless, you are worth so much. People are touched by your courage and your faith to keep believing in me even when you've been knocked down. You are brave, you walked back into church and opened your heart to a pastor and have continued to do so. You are loveable. As you accept yourself as a male, you bring me glory because it shows you love yourself."
Not once did God judge me for my bulimia being in full swing. Instead I was meet with the same tender compassion, empathy and love that I've been shown.
I just wanted to share this with you all today because this is what is on my heart as eating disorder awareness week comes to a close.
Peace of Christ,
Brian Lee
Here are some links for more help/info:
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/get-involved/nedawareness
Helpline: 800 931 2237
No comments:
Post a Comment