World Semicolon ; Day 2018

Today is #semicolonday2018! The semicolon has become popular among suicide survivors and self harmers. It stands for *where your life could've ended, it continues*. One statistic that isn't shown here is that 41% of transgender people try to complete suicide or have completed suicide. This day is special to me, it ranks up there with Transgender Day of Visibility and Transgender Day of Remembrance.

I struggle with writing this blog because this is a very real thing for me. It isn't just a fad or something cool to do. I have a semicolon tattooed on my right wrist for a reason.

This reason is back around May 2016, I swallowed about 20 pills in attempts to end my life and my three beautiful children where right down the hall sleeping. I don't know exactly what got me to that point to be honest. I just know I was feeling pain and I wanted it to end at all costs. My sleeping children were not even reason enough to stay alive at that point. I seriously thought they would be better off without me as their parent because I'd had numerous psych hospital admissions. I am one of 100 million people who live with depression, I am one of 25 million who live with bipolar, and I'm one of 15 million people who live with panic disorders (Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Agoraphobia). At the time I didn't realize I was transgender because I hadn't made the connection yet - but I was one of the 41% of trans people who try to complete suicide. I went to bed that night hoping and praying to not wake up at all and to pass in my sleep. No, I wasn't thinking about if my kids found me dead or anything like that. I was just wanting to peacefully die in my sleep. But apparently God saw fit to wake me up that next morning.

Oh my was I so PISSED! I don't even remember that day other than getting into my old children's pastors truck, going to my therapist office, waking up in the ER with the children's pastor asking for my keys, signing myself into the hospital and my old associate pastor visiting me. For three days I don't remember my stay..... But then I started coming too and was thankful God woke me up. Well until my old senior pastor opened up his mouth and said "You let the wind out of our sails. If you had just listened to our counseling you wouldn't be in your darkest time of need." and then the old children's pastor said, "If you ever do anything so selfish again, I will make sure you never see your kids again."

Fast forward to today. I struggle with suicidal thoughts, but I am no longer suicidal. There is a difference. I have a reason to live now.

I have amazing people that I have met through the process of my transition and my journey of faith.

My adoptive son, Kyllann, who I met back in Sept of last year. I didn't realize I was trans but through talking to him I was able to see myself for who I really was, a transgender person. I owe him so much that I could never repay him and can never adequately express how much he really means to me. He is my son and I am so proud of him that is for damn sure.

My senior pastor is my strongest supporter locally in my transition, it is SOOOOO STINKING CUTE because this past Saturday we shared a real tender and precious moment in her office. She said she noticed my facial hair on my lip and I showed her were the hair is growing in lightly that she couldn't "see" plainly. Then I asked for her hand and I had her feel the stubble that is growing underneath my chin.

I met a wonderful pastor, Kai, face to face who is openly queer and in the UMC and we broke bread and fellowshipped. It was spiritually fulfilling and it was a unique experience to be in fellowship with someone from the same community (queer and of faith).

I formed a friendship/mentorship type of relationship with my friend M who is a transgender non-binary pastor in the UMC and director of Enfleshed. M has helped in so many ways personally and through their ministry. They have spent time answering countless theological questions especially about Wesleyan theology (which I'm sure they were in their glory because they are a theology expert). But M has been there for me when I needed pastoral care to help pick up the pieces as I transition.

My big brother, Sam, oh my I can't say enough. I reached out to Sam when I was in a dark and lonely place. Out of that grew a beautiful and amazing friendship and ended up with us calling each other "little bro" and "big bro". We share life together and are there for each other when we need each other the most. We get each other in ways that no one else possible could get us. We are each other's rocks in a cruel and unsteady world. It's a give and take - equal partnership! :)

These are just a few people who have made my life worth living and I know that I matter to them. I know that if one day I were to decide to complete suicide their lives would be affected in some way. I don't want to become a statistic. I don't want to be a transgender person who loses their life to suicide. THANK GOD THAT I DON'T HAVE TO!

But see I mention people who have made my life worth living.... On October 15, 2017 I made the biggest decision of my life and that is ultimately what makes life worth living for me. I came out as a transgender male and revealed that I go by Brian. Removing societal and religions mask saying I had to live as a female even though I didn't feel like I was one was freeing and LIFE GIVING!

When moments get hard in my life and transition, and they will because I've experienced them already, I reach out to the wonderful people who make my life worth living. I share my pain and heartache instead of holding it inside anymore. I don't shy away from help (spiritual or medical). I have people around me who are 100% supportive of me and are positive people. Life is more positive now and I'm pushing away the darkness that comes with suicide.

I'll leave you with this last thing...


Your story isn't done being written yet. Where you wanted to put a period, the Divine... the very Sacred One put a comma. YOU my friends are WORTHY of every breath of life you take. Even those breaths that are a struggle to take. Even those breaths that pain you to take because you don't know how you will go on. I NEED YOU! This world NEEDS you! We NEED you! Hold On Pain Ends! Stay strong! Keep breathing one single breath at a time.

Love in Christ,

Brian

Weeks 4 & 5 Update Plus Cool Things Happened Too

     I just realized that today marks 5 weeks on hormone replacement therapy and that I didn't do a blog for Week 4. So this blog will cover both last week and this week. Also I will be telling you about a couple of pretty cool things that have happened to me because some of things that have recently happened to me have been pretty nasty and it is always good to highlight the positive amidst the darkness.

     Week 4 there was some changes that I personally started to notice but I really thought where just in my head. You know you always think that things are happening faster than what could possibly be happening? Yah! So Week 4 was kinda an uneventful week as far as HRT goes.

     However, I met up with my mother to give her Easter baskets for my three boys. Most of you do not know but due to a plea deal I signed last October this is the ONLY way I can do ANYTHING for my children is through my mother. I sent her text messages addressing the fact that she wanted me to pretend to be my birth name and her daughter. I said basically that I cannot pretend to be that for her for my recovery and well being and that I am Brian and her son now and if she couldn't respect that we couldn't do lunch. Well she still showed up so I thought she would respect that. Folxs I was wrong....oh so wrong. I was called my birth name, referred to as a feminine version of birth name and as a female at the restaurant. I didn't say anything there because I didn't want to cause a scene. We went to Big Lots and as my stepdad was inside checking out I said to my mom, "Mom eventually you are going to have to stop calling me *insert feminine nickname of birth name*". She FLEW OFF THE HANDLE. Yelling and screaming at me, trying to say she was trying. I told her calmly that she wasn't trying because she kept calling me the feminine nickname and that she hadn't once called me Brian. I had even allowed her to pick my middle name. She then tried to turn it about respecting her and I said I have respected you, you have yet to show me any respect. She continued to yell and scream at me so I decided as she took the cart back to grab my stuff from my stepdad car and find another way home. My mom yelled at me, "So now we are being childish?" I said, "It's not childish for me to finally stick up for myself." This all happened on Holy Saturday.
     Then on Easter Sunday itself I was at Denny's with my sponsor and another guy in recovery. You would not believe who walked in. My old pastor and his wife, yes the ones who kicked me out for being lesbian. The wife said "Hi insert legal name." I said Hi. However underneath the table I was shaking and wishing they wouldn't have said a word to me. My sponsor asked if I knew them...I told him and it was obvious. Then when we got up to leave they both said Bye... I said bye in return. UGH! I hadn't seen them since July 19th, 2017. It would've been better if they had just ignored me instead of them acknowledging me at all. I responded with grace instead of with the fact that I just wanted to act out and cuss them out but something inside of me said to respond with God's grace. To respond as my current congregation responded to me and NOT as my old pastors had responded to me.

     Week 5 is today. This past week there has been noticeable changes to OTHERS! YES OTHER PEOPLE HAVE NOTICED CHANGES WITHOUT ME ASKING! My old sponsor told me after a meeting that she noticed my voice was a little bit lower and that I was growing a mustache! I was and still am literally through the moon excited and like cloud 9. Someone else notices the changes that I thought I was going through even if they are small ones AND HERE IS THE KICKER.... I'm only 5 WEEKS on HRT!
    Also another really cool thing that happened to me recently is that I got to break bread with another queer Methodist Kai. They had a vacation pre-planned before we became friends and their stopping point was already planned too. Their stopping point happened to be like 15 minutes from me and when we discovered this we made last minute plans to have breakfast together. It was so awesome and special for me. Kai happens to be clergy as well so they are living out the calling that I am beginning to discern on my own life. So it was so very nourishing for me on a spiritual level to be with someone of like-minded faith and to break bread with them. It was nourishing on a community level to break bread with another queer sibling because in my area there are not very many of us & plus I had just had some horrible experiences during Holy Week. God, the Divine and Sacred, knew what they were doing when they orchestrated this trip and meeting. It was nourishment of body, mind, soul and community. I can say that I now have a real face-to-face friend thanks to the internet.

     Well I think that about wraps up this update blog. I love you all and hope and pray the Divine and Sacred's blessings upon you and yours until we fellowship again!



Brian Lee

Week 3 Update, Holy Week and Transgender International Day of Visibility

This blog post will be filled with a lot of stuff because it is a busy week. It marks a lot of stuff.... Week 3 on hormone replacement therapy, Holy Week and Transgender International Day of Visibility. All very important to me.

First subject to update you on....

Week Three on HRT.... Nothing much has changed. I have noticed that my facial hair has started to grow in darker. I literally looked in the mirror and saw that my mustache hairs were darker and I had to do a double take. Then I was out to eat with my sponsor and another member of NA and I asked where the restrooms were and the guy told me the male restroom was in use. Friends - that made me feel sooo damn good! My libido has also increased. My appetite is still increased and I seem to crave protein and fruit... My craving for sweets has gone down drastically. I am wanting protein based snacks (peanut butter from the jar, nuts and jerky). The protein I eat is red meat, chicken and fish. I really enjoy fresh fruit mostly now. My mood is what has really surprised me the most... I was expecting rage because that is what my pcp who is my HRT prescriber prepared me for. But I have found that while emotions hit me more quickly, I am more mellow. I do have a lower tolerance for bullshit and I am learning to center myself more. I am engaging myself in self care and being good to myself. I am getting into my art of crocheting and writing poetry. I watch tv. I listen to my body when it needs rest or when my spirit needs fed.

Second subject to update you on...

Holy Week.... This is my first time observing Holy Week. I missed Maundy Thursday because I helped to take in a meeting to a rehab facility with my sponsor and another member of the fellowship I belong to. But my spirit needed that. It was an amazing experience. One that I personally think that Jesus would've been proud of me doing because it was an act of selfless service. These people couldn't give me anything and it was wonderful to give back to this part of the fellowship.

I was able to attend Good Friday service at my local UMC church of which I am a member. It was different and unlike any other Good Friday service. Black adorned the crosses. The choir wore black robes as did our two pastors. It was somber atmosphere and one of sadness. I did enjoy it. As scriptures where read that lead to Jesus' last breathe's, certain lights were turned off after the candle was blown out. Until we were in complete darkness and we stayed in darkness for a few minutes. To mimick the darkness that fell upon the earth when Jesus died. It was an extremely powerful service for this new United Methodist that is for certain. I am so grateful for the powerful show of love Jesus did when he died on the cross.

Third subject to update you on...

Transgender International Day of Visibility.... Today is my first one. It is so important for the world to realize that there are a lot of transgender people around them. For all of those who chose to be visible today there are a TON more who chose not to be visible for many other reasons (they haven't yet discovered who they are, safety issues, etc). We are visible for those who cannot be visible. We, trans people, give a face to those who cannot lend their faces to the world. We are humans deserving of love and acceptance and basic human rights. We are God's beloved. God loves us transgender people just as much as cis-gender, heterosexual people. We are ALL GOD's BELOVED.

Know that you are loved and accepted!

Brian Lee

Two Weeks on Testosterone Update & Full Member in the UMC

     Yesterday marked two weeks on testosterone and it was also the day that I gave myself my first shot completely by myself. Needless to say, I was extremely nervous. I had done it in the doctor's office yes but this was different. I was going to be doing it all on my own. No medical professional to be watching me to make sure I didn't mess up or anything like that.

     I gave myself my first shot completely alone without incident. It again didn't hurt at all. The longest part of the process was filling up the syringe with the liquid. Testosterone is very thick. So if you ever see people in movies filling up their syringes quickly it's because they aren't using REAL testosterone. The prep for the shot is kinda labor intensive. There is a whole entire process you must go through before you can actually stick yourself. Hence why I needed an injection education appointment with a medical professional.

     DO NOT TRY GOING ON TESTOSTERONE VIA THE STREET!!! It is NOT safe!!!!! You need monitoring by a doctor via blood tests and education on how to properly inject yourself and be safe about it.

     I literally got an adrenaline rush from the shot. Yesterday I had the same reaction that I did with my first shot.... I was hungry, thirsty and tired. I took two naps but I guess the snow that Pennsylvania got didn't really help either. But yesterday was a day of self care for the most part.

    I really did look forward to yesterday because shot days are significant to me. Why do you ask? Shot days are an important reminder to me that I am loving myself the way God intended me to. He intended me to love who He created me to be - a transgender non-binary person who is masculine presenting. Part of loving His creation is knowing that hormone shots are the medication I take to treat my gender dsyphoria and the way I learn to love myself.

     It is amazing how faith in God can transform a person's life. Another amazing thing that happened this past week was that I took my membership vows in my local UMC church. I am officially a full fledged member of The United Methodist Church. I recently joined the Methodist faith and fell in love with how Wesley's main emphasis was on God's grace's and love. Right now the God I know is a God of love and grace. I continue to grow and learn more about who God is. In my past - I only knew and understood God to be a vengeful, hateful, wrathful God. But through my local UMC and my senior pastor's care, I am beginning to heal from years of spiritual bondage and abuse. I am free to think.... I am free to question... I am free to learn... I am free to truly be a Beloved of God.

     I know in my heart of hearts, deep within my soul and spirit that God approves of me as Brian. Why else would He call me out by name in prayer and use my pronouns? Why else would His spirit dwell within me? The word (lowercase) says that He cannot dwell where sin dwells.... I say that to say this for anyone who reads this....

     IF YOU ARE TRANSGENDER, NON-BINARY, GENDER NON-CONFORMING, QUEER, BISEXUAL, GAY, LESBIAN - YOU ARE NOT A SINNER IN THE EYES OF GOD. YOU ARE BELOVED OF THE DIVINE. HE LOVES YOU WITH AN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND EXTENDS TO YOU A DIVINE GRACE THAT IS EVERLASTING BOTH OF WHICH NEVER RUN OUT. YOU ARE LOVED, WELCOMED, ACCEPTED. 

     I love you my queer sibilings!!!! If you are not welcomed, loved or accepted in your faith communities - know that you are welcomed with me! Feel free to reach out to me - bornagainchristian2004@yahoo.com and put something about this blog in the subject so I know it's not spam!


REMEMBER YOU ARE BELOVED!


Brian Lee

One Week Anniversary on Testosterone

Today marks one week on testosterone. Heehee. This has been an amazing journey so far. There is something exciting that I must tell you all....

Reconciling Ministries Network featured a blog I wrote about coming out and my story about finding my spiritual home. It was my most vulnerable blog to date because I had to go to my past in order to tell my story. For those of you who don't know  RMN is an organization dedicated to the inclusion of people of all sexual orientations and gender identities in both the policy and practices of the United Methodist Church. It was founded in 1984. Since I started to attend a UMC church, Reconciling Ministries Network became a ministry near and dear to my heart.

Here is the link to my story featured by RMN:
https://rmnetwork.org/kleberfindingspiritualhome/

There hasn't been much in the way of changes. Well except that I am constantly hungry.... If I am not eating, I'm thinking about what I am going to be eating. Lately, I usually always have something with me to snack on. Just yesterday night at new member class, my senior pastor made the comment that she said yea I saw you with your bag of beef jerky this morning. LOL. Between her and my one online friend I call my big bro - they are both having so much fun laughing at my teenage hunger.

I am learning that my body does respond quickly to the testosterone. I have already begun to experience the side effect of mood swings. They are mild, but I still feel off center and I called my doctor's office to make sure the testosterone could be hitting me that quickly (Wednesday was shot day, this was Monday I was calling). They said yes.

Also I feel like I need to tell you all that I have come to a new level of understanding in my gender. See gender for some people is a process. For me - understanding gender is just that a process.... it's like peeling back an onion until you get to the core of yourself. There are many layers to understanding yourself. I cant pinpoint exactly when I started feeling like this but really solidly it was around the time when it came time for my shot. But Dara Hoffman-Fox was asking for non-binary people to volunteer to fill out a profile for them to use in future educational materials they would create for providers and I filled it out. Well when Dara picked me as one of the profiles they would use - it validated me as a trans non-binary person. Then I have a friend who is a transgender non-binary minister and as I've gotten to know them - I find myself saying yes to a lot of their story. I have a friend who is non-binary and we've gotten very close and we call each other little bro/big bro and I've been able to feel validated by hearing them talk too about their story.

Now I know I'm on testosterone. I am staying on that because my gender presentation is masculine, because I would rather present as male than as a female. I would rather become masculine than stay feminine. But I've come to find through my interaction with my two close friends who are non-binary - that I just don't fit on the binary spectrum. I don't identify fully male... I don't identify fully female... But I want to present to the world as male because I don't want to be referred to as a she that's for certain.

I am a transgender non-binary person with masculine gender presentation.

I have also kinda grown uncomfortable with he/him pronouns. So I am slowly making the switch to they/them pronouns. I am asking that everyone respect the switch, but I'm not going to be a jerk about the switch. But please know that I would much rather they/them be used instead of he/him. If you mess up that's okay - I just will loving correct you as we will all be learning this.



So that is all for this update!

Next week is shot week all on my own! This should be a total experience to write about! Look for a blog next week!



Peace of Christ,
Brian Lee

Tomorrow is Testosterone Day

Tomorrow is Testosterone Day

I cannot believe the day is tomorrow. I cannot believe it has finally come you'all. IT IS BASICALLY HERE! Where has the last four weeks gone?

This has been a long road for me in some ways. In other ways it has been a short road. Let me explain.

Basically I was assigned a gender at birth (female) that I do not align with at all. So I was never really a female but I was raised up and socialized as a female and did was society expected of me. But I never really felt at home. I always had more guy friends than girls. So in that way it has been a long road for me.

Since I was kicked out of my church of a decade - it propelled me into a journey without religion or the church into a 4 month period of self love and self discovery. This journey led me to begin to question my gender identity more closely. It was in October of last year that I realized in fact that I was transgender and here we are a total of 8 months after being kicked out and I'll be starting hormones.

Now I wouldn't be starting hormones I believe if I hadn't found a faith that allowed me to come out as queer and accept myself as a transgender male. My faith also allowed me to accept the fact that testosterone is medicine for my gender dysphoria just like my cymbalta, depakota, latuda, topamax are for my mental health. That testosterone shots are not sin just like my mental health medicines are not sin. They treat a condition, just like the testosterone does. God wants me to love myself to the very best of my ability. If that means going through with medical transition then so be it.

I am so very grateful for the many people who I have in my life that have provided love and support and compassion in this journey to get me to this point. There are way too many of you to name so I refuse to do so for fear of leaving someone out and hurting that person's feelings. There are many physical people in my life, but there are a lot of people through Facebook that I have met. It is true that when we become a believer of Christ we no longer belong to ourselves but to everyone who belongs to God. I am so grateful for everyone who has cheered me on and who has mentored me and who has befriended me and listened to me as this whole process has gone on.

I am most grateful for YOU, the one reading this. You are the reason I am journaling this journey. To give hope to others who will come after me and to give hope to those in the fight. We are BELOVED! Regardless of sexual orientation and gender identity or lack of it, WE ARE GOD'S BELOVED. He loves each of us and know that you will always have a safe place here with me regardless of what is going on in your life or in your particular faith community.

Blessings of Jesus Christ,


Brian Lee


You may email me at: Bornagainchristian2004@yahoo.com. Please put blogger or something having to do with the blog so i know your not a spammer. I check my emails Monday-Thursday and Saturday. 

My Own Struggle with Bulimia

The other day I ran across a post by Enfleshed (my friend's ministry) and I made me really think. It was in response to the fact that this week is eating disorder awareness week. I didn't even know that and I suffer from an eating disorder. I have kept quiet about it on this blog until now because I didn't feel like it was something that I needed to share or that anyone would want to hear about my struggle. But Enfleshed post made me realize that all parts of our story are important.

My eating disorder that I have been diagnosed with by my therapist is bulimia. Bulimia nervosa (the medical term) is an eating disorder usually characterized by periods of binging - or excessive overeating - followed by purging. For me though sometimes it can be the simple act of eating normal meals and needing to purge. It starts out psychological and that psychological then turns into an automatic physical reaction which is difficult to stop.

Yesterday even after seeing Enfleshed post, my bulimia was in full swing. I must be honest with you all. I couldn't eat anything without purging. I was able to keep some liquids down, but not all. But something was different about yesterday's failing or fall. I had written down the ministry's post and had it out as my body fought against the food I attempted to put in it and subsequently rejected through purging.

Usually I would hear nothing but negative, hate filled voices in my head because yet again I allowed my disorder, my disease to win. I had given up the fight, my willpower was no match for my body and mind. But I kept hearing what Enfleshed post said and I'll type it here for you all to see... It was as if God was saying it to myself even as my body rejected the food I desperately tried to put it into it yesterday....

"When you, when your flesh, is targeted with destructive lies, may you hear the voice of God whispering to it tenderly, "You are perfect as you are. You are beautiful. You are beloved. Those who speak violence are afraid to love themselves. Be brave. Love you. Love the glory of your form. There is no one right way to have a body."

The destructive lies I believed is that as a transgender male is that I'm not perfect, that I'm going to hell for who I am, that i am worthless, that I'm not beloved (far from it), that I am not brave, that I am unloveable, that my form has no glory to give to God. But even as bulimia raged it's ugly head yesterday and I had nothing but the precious words of my dear friend's ministry to hold onto - God used those words to work on those destructive lies that the enemy has tried to root deep within.


He whispered to me, "Brian, You are perfect as a male. You are my beloved. I created you as transgender for a reason. You may never know in this lifetime why, but when you get to Heaven you will know the fullness of my plan. You are not worthless, you are worth so much. People are touched by your courage and your faith to keep believing in me even when you've been knocked down. You are brave, you walked back into church and opened your heart to a pastor and have continued to do so. You are loveable. As you accept yourself as a male, you bring me glory because it shows you love yourself."

Not once did God judge me for my bulimia being in full swing. Instead I was meet with the same tender compassion, empathy and love that I've been shown.

I just wanted to share this with you all today because this is what is on my heart as eating disorder awareness week comes to a close.


Peace of Christ,

Brian Lee


Here are some links for more help/info:

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/get-involved/nedawareness
Helpline:  800 931 2237