A Rebirth Experience

Hello everyone! I'm so very sorry that I've been neglecting my personal blog but I've been going through a difficult three months. But the good news is that I'm on the upswing of things.

I have been relapsing off and on for the last 2 1/2 to nearly 3 months. My last time I used was a three day run that got progressively worse. In the matter of three days I went from pills then tried heroin for the first time. I don't honestly know what made me try heroin but I loved it. I'm not going to lie to you all. I've always been upfront and honest with you folxs who read my blog. But I definitely don't like the devastation that it leaves afterwards.

While I was still high - I managed to tell a friend what I had done the day prior to and what I had done that morning. This dear friend was so scared that they looked up my pastor and called her. That afternoon I had my pastor where I lived and she was yelling and screaming at me. Honestly she scared the living shit out of me. The look of terror and being scared was written all over her face. My program manager suggested we go into the living room with a door for more privacy. I don't remember everything that I said but I remember before telling my pastor something - I said what I'm about to tell you is going to break your heart. Sure enough it did and I had made my pastor cry. It wasn't a pretty cry either.

I remember that my program manager called 911 for an ambulance because my pastor wanted me to get a psychological evaluation. I agreed to go because I wanted to ease her mind. I asked her if she would come and sit with me for a while at the ER. This woman is an amazing woman of God because even after I had just broken her heart she agreed to come and sit with me. The EMT/Paramedics came and took my vitals and essentially cleared me medically. The head one went out of the room and came back a few moments later. He told me that he had called the ER and said that I was stable and I had someone with me and that I could either go by ambulance for the ride or my pastor could drive me herself. I asked my pastor and she said that if I was comfortable with her taking me she would. So I went to the local ER department with her. She stayed with me throughout the entire time. During the visit I was checked out medically and psychologically and cleared. But the most valuable thing and the absolute most precious thing that happen was my pastor talked with me, ministered to me and loved on me the whole time. We had a chance to touch on some deep subjects and we came to a conclusion that my downward spiral started after the rape. So I asked her if she would make time in her schedule to help me unpack it because I really only trust her because I just started seeing my therapist. She agreed.

I'm so grateful for my online friend who searched out my pastor and called her. That friend saved my life and my pastor's intervention was the wakeup call that I needed to do something different because what I was doing wasn't working. Running away from and masking the pain and the hurt and the violation only led to my disease of addiction becoming worse and progressing. I'm utterly and eternally grateful for those in my life who love me unconditionally even though I've screwed up a lot recently.

Today as I write this blog I have half a month clean. I feel at peace right now and even slightly happy. I'm starting to enjoy life again and smile and be happy. I've been filling myself up spiritually with getting back to the basics of life. I'm feeling the Holy Spirit at work in my life again. Church is once again exciting and fresh and new. It's like I've been rebirthed again all over. Christmas eve service was absolutely stunning and Her spirit was flowing through that whole place. My favorite part is when we sang and the sanctuary lights were off and the only light that pierced the darkness was the light from our small candles. It was beautiful... It was raw... It was holy... It was dark, but there was a pregnancy in the air.... as we awaited the birth of the Savior to come. Darkness can only last the night but in the morning comes light.

No matter how long your dark night last, please know that the morning is coming. The light will soon pierce the darkness you are walking through. Hold on dear beloved of God. Your pregnancy is about to end soon and you'll give birth to a life you never thought or even dreamed was possible. See that is where I think we as followers and disciples of Christ fall short.... We don't dream big enough. We don't think big thoughts. We settle for lesser than what God, Herself, intended for us. We have the right to dream big lofty dreams and think huge thoughts. The Divine and Sacred is only limited by our very own minds. Let us take those limits and smash the hell out of them and send them way into the depths of darkness and stay there.


I pray that everyone who reads this had a wonderful holiday season and that you will experience a peaceful, joyous, happy, and wholesome new year in 2019!



Peace Be With You,


Brian Lee

Memories of My Grams

Tonight I feel like writing about my grams. My cousin Sam from California wrote a facebook post about their grams and it literally transported me back to my childhood memories with my own grams.

When I was little - I would often spend many of nights on the weekend at my grandmother's house. She moved several times during my childhood living in a house, an apartment and a trailer.

I particularly remember one memory where my grams had her living room set up where she had a couch, then a table and very close to her table was her tv. I was always a small child growing up so I could squeeze myself between the glass table and the tv set. I remember fondly my grams always made me peaches and cream oatmeal and putting on Saturday morning cartoons. I would sit in that place for hours watching many shows.

Another fond memory I have is getting to go with my grandmother worked at Uni-Mart as a manager and I got to go to spend the day at work with her. For lunch I got to pick whatever I wanted from the store :)

My grams was always there for me when she was alive. I miss her greatly and I wish she could see the person that I am becoming. I hope that I am making her proud.

My biological mom picked my middle name Lee. My grams name was Lenore but everyone called her Lee. So now through-out the rest of my life I'll carry my grams with me.

Brian Lee

It's Been A Year

Today marks the one year anniversary of me coming out as my true self, as Brian. Wow it is crazy to realize that it has only been a year. Time has truly flown. So many great things have to me in this year and a few trying times.

One of the major things is I've been on hormone replacement therapy since March 7th, 2018 which is 7 months out of the last twelve months. I am really happy with the results of HRT let me tell you. I'm growing a nice mustache and starting to grow some spotty facial hair that I have to shave every couple days otherwise I look scruffy.

Today is significant for me because I am finally living as God, herself, intended me to. As Brian Kleber, a transgender nonbinary person. I am fully known and fully loved by God in that identity because God created me like this. Funny how you wonder why you go through certain things but never really get a solid answer that is until later on.

Ever since coming out as a transgender person, my life has completely changed and for the better. It has been an amazing rollercoaster of ups and downs. I got to attend a national convocation in July at St Louis called For Everyone Born where I got to meet a LOT of people who I had just been talking to online via Facebook messenger. It was an amazing experience for me and one that was definitely needed. A bunch of queer United Methodist and our allies all in one place for the common goal of fully inclusion in the life of the church in the UMC.

My theology has changed quite a bit over the last year as well. I no longer see God as a male and try really hard to use they/them or she/hers pronouns when talking about God. I see my journey as God-ordained which means to me that I was meant to be on this journey because it is bringing me closer to God herself. That is the most important thing that I keep hearing and keep telling myself especially amongst the critics in my life.

I always have said that God cannot dwell where sin dwells and if God dwells in me as a transgender nonbinary person, then my gender identity is not sin or sinful in God's eyes.

I have grown in leaps and bounds and still have leaps and bounds to go. But I am enjoying the progress that I've made this far and I have every right because I put in the work to become a better person, a better follower of Christ by doing the work to undo harmful theological beliefs.

Brian Lee

Beauty Erupts From Ashes

Sometimes I wonder where I would be

Life hasn’t been that simple you see.

It’s been a rough road,

Filled with bumps along the way.

Heartache, heartbreak and disappointments.

Yet I still manage to get back up…

Again, and again and again.

Life has dealt me a harsh hand,

Yet I play the cards the best way that I can.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would be where I am at today.

But never did I think that beauty would come from ashes.

I may not be where I want to be,

But thank God I’m nowhere near where I used to be.

I may be back at the beginning with recovery,

But life for as long as I can remember is finally going well.

I have deep abiding friendships,

I have a few women in my life who love me with a mother’s love.

Most of my friendships are so deep they are family and not just friends.

Beauty from ashes…

It can truly happen.

Beauty is erupting from the ashes of my past.

Life is being birthed out of dry, old, dead bones.

For the first time in my life, I’m truly living

Not just surviving

Don't Let Others Steal Your Joy

A lesson that God has been teaching me lately is that of not letting others steal my joy. Recently I decided to get my nails done and get a full set put on. It wasn’t cheap. But I allowed those I lived with to get all up inside my head and steal the joy I had by doing something for myself. They were saying things like you aren’t really trans, you’re a crossdresser. All because I still wear clothes from the ladies’ department and I like to get my nails done.

I have realized that through my journey my gender presentation has become more fluid in appearance even though I shop almost exclusively from the women’s section. The clothes still fit me better than the male section does. Plus, I think there is more style options available in the women’s section for clothes I like to wear.

Funny thing how God brings you right back to a place if you haven’t learned your lesson the first time. Or reminds you of those precious, sacred, and most holy of moments with Her. I remember being in a thrift store and only being able to find clothes I liked in the ladies’ section of the store. I could almost sense the Holy Spirit whispering to me that clothes weren’t gendered and that as soon as I put those clothes on that is when they became masculine.

Since that point my understanding of my gender identity has grown and evolved to realize that I’m not a transgender male but a transgender nonbinary person. My gender presentation has been more middle of the road than anything else with a little flair of femininity thrown in. I don’t know that I would call it androgynous but more middle of the road seems like a better fit.

I find myself today after having had my real nails manicured and painted (ironically the same color as the fake ones I mentioned earlier) having that same voice whisper in my ear. I can hear her saying, “My Dear Brian, STOP letting others steal what little bit of joy you have right now. STOP letting them dictate your own gender journey with me. Allow me to help you. Know that I love you as a trans nonbinary person who loves to dress with a little bit of feminine flair. YOUR IDENTITY IS NO LESS NOR IS IT INVALID my dear beloved child.”

I really do need to stop allowing others to steal what little bit of joy I do have right now. Joy is so hard for me to come by as I heal from this most recent sexual assault. If that wasn’t enough to deal with I have my own mental health issues that often limit my capacity to feel joy or experience it. Moments filled with joy and happiness are often fleeting thoughts and they go as quickly as they come. I must learn to savor the moments as they come and quit allowing others to steal my joy/happiness.

Healing

Healing is hard work.

Raw and oozing emotions coursing through tense veins.

Tension reeking havoc on your very muscles.

Sleep evades even though you desperately seek it.

When sleep comes, it brings along the unwelcome guests of night terrors and sweats.

Healing is hard work.

Why do people feel entitled to bodies that are not their own?

Taking away someone’s dignity and shattering it into a million shards of sharp glass.

Making them afraid to walk once it gets dark.

Wishing they could live in the shower to wash away the filth and grim.

Healing is hard.

Hard when the wounds are so deep all’s you can do is lay in bed for hours on end.

Hard when you hate the body you worked so hard to start to be comfortable in.

Hard when you have to swallow pills twice a day every day.

Healing isn’t done alone.

It’s done in the presence of community near and far.

Comes in the face of a pastor showing up at the ER even after you forget to tell them your home.

Comes in the face of a pastor giving you the gentlest hug and holding that embrace for a moment.

In that brief fleeting moment you feel safe and secure the most you have in a week.

Comes in the form of an e gift card so you can get supplies to take care of yourself during shark week which you haven’t had in months because of HRT.

Comes in the constant support of friends and chosen family texting you and responding to texts making sure you are okay.

Healing may be hard work.

But it’s work that must be done.

Slowly the emotions will stop oozing and begin to settle.

Slowly tension will relax and quit coursing through the tightened veins.

Healing comes one cup of mint tea in a huge mug at a time.

Healing comes one gentle welcomed embrace at a time.

Healing comes in reminders to be gentle and kind to oneself.

I’m down but not out.

I’ll get up and pick myself up with the help of community and God.

I’ll dust myself off and start this healing work.

Update on me and my transition

Sorry folks that it has been a while since I’ve written about my own transition and in this blog. Life has gotten away from me and I’ve been dealing with a multitude of things all at once.

So I have recently decided that I am going to stop going to Persad in Pittsburgh for gender therapy and find just a regular therapist. This also means that my top surgery is going to be put on hold as well. Recently I relapsed on prescribes medication and I feel like it will be a good idea to wait until I have at least two years clean before I even begin to think about a major surgery like top surgery. But there is another piece to not wanting top surgery right now - I am beginning to be more comfortable with the body I have right now, exactly the way it is. Do I love my chest? Will I stop binding when wearing button down shirts? NOPE! It just means that top surgery isn’t in my cards right now.

I’ve told several people in my life about the decision to quit gender therapy and this by doing so put the ability to get top surgery on hold. The overwhelming and unanimous support has been truly outstanding and such a blessing. I’m comfortable with myself and those around me in my chosen family tribe support me and it has been inspirational  to me.

I have people who love, accept and are friends with me for me and not what my body does or doesn’t look like. I’m going to take this time to concentrate on school, recovery, and recovering from a recent sexual assault. I need time to heal physically because going to Pittsburgh is a huge ordeal since I don’t have my own car. I depend on medical transportation which means up to three hours on a bus to Pittsburgh early in the morning, sitting at Persad all day, and then upwards of three sometimes four hours back. My back cannot handle the stress of sitting for that long without laying down at some point in the day. So my chiropractor visits are wracking up and I cannot afford that on a fixed income.

This doesn’t mean at all for one second I’m detransitioning. I’m still staying on my hormones and will take them as prescribed. This is just part of my journey as a transgender nonbinary person.

Thank you for letting me share with you all where I am at in my journey and thanks for reading.

Brian Lee

Is There Hope for a Dying Church?

Walking thru the valley 

Straining to see the mountain top.

All’s I see are dark, violent clouds.

Clouds that look like they are about to pour down hellfire and brimstone.

Down in the valley, I’m parched.

No amount of water seems to quench my thirst.

Down in the valley, I’m famished.

No amount of sustance can seem to sustain me.

Down in the valley, I see bones and souls of my queer siblings and beloveds in Christ.

I’m grieved at the sheer amount of bones and souls I see that were sacrificed.

Souls so wounded the bearer wishes they were dead,

Rather than walk around just a shell.

A shell that while alive on the outside is completely gone and dead on the inside.

These bones and souls scream in agony and horrific pain.

They scream because the church has slaughtered their very souls and beings in the name of unity.

They are in pain because the church has stabbed them in their very hearts with verses plucked out of obscurity.

What once brought comfort, peace and joy brings death, destruction and bloodshed because of  those who wield those verses.

I cried out to the heavens where my help comes from.

What am I supposed to do?

How am I supposed to help?

What is there that I can do?

Dear God their souls cry out so loudly I can’t hear anything but their soul cry’s.

“My Dear Beloved Brian, Be the mountain top experience in the valley.”

How dear God when I’m trying to recreate it for myself?

“Be how I designed my church to truly be. Be a beacon of light for those dying souls.”

Why me?

“You are their minister. You’ve been that dying soul but remember how I sent people that breathed my breath of life back into you? You listened to who I sent because I sent them back to the valley because those souls had been to hell by people who claim to follow my Jesus.

Rise up my beloved! 

Rise up strongly secured in me and the family I hand picked for you!

I need you to assist in waking up my dying church.

You won’t be alone. You’ll co-labor with many.”

My heart grieves for the church and the shell it’s become.

Why has it become a shell and dying?

Because the church has sacrificed on the altar of fundamentalism and law,

The lives of my precious, once vibrant queer siblings.

The church is with blemish,

The church is with wrinkle,

The church is soaked red with the blood of untold numbers of my queer beloveds.

The only way to heal,

The only way to uplift,

The only way to cleanse and restore,

Is SIMPLE!

LOVE!

Love as the Big W (Word) Jesus commands.

Love the queer cis beloved!

Love the transgender woman of color.

Love the gay man!

Love the lesbian couple who just got married.

Love the kinky beloved!

Quit tearing down with hatred.

Quit tearing down with saying “incompatible with Christian teaching.”

STOP CHURCH! 

You are soaked with the blood of lives lost and souls lost because you hate rather than love.

We are not incompatible with Christian teaching.

Hatred and phobic behaviors are incompatible.

Misogyny is incompatible.

Toxic masculinity is incompatible with Christian teaching.

But queer souls are COMPATIBLE WITH CHRISTian TEACHING!

Stop sacrificing queer souls for the sake of your interpretation of the small w (word).

We need the church to be the church the way that JESUS CHRIST preached.

We need ministers of grace.

We need ministers of love.

We need ministers to be beacons of light and hope.

We need loved most of all.

Featuring Rev. Elizabeth Edman

I want to apologize for the break in my pride blogs. But I have yet another good one for you folxs. My dear friend Elizabeth Edman, author of Queer Virtue, is up on this blog. I have enjoyed reading her book immensely (I highly suggest purchasing it or requesting it from your local library) and even more immensely I have enjoyed developing a friendship with her.

Liz grew up in Arkansas but considers both Arkansas and NYC to be home in a deep and even spiritual sense. Her mom was a musician and public school and her father was an executive with the Red Cross and other disaster relief organizations. She currently lives in NYC with her two sons. Liz enjoys movies, theater, reading the print edition of the NY Times with a cup of coffee. She is a priest, while deeply devoted to her traditions, considers Pride Sunday her highest holy day. So much so that she has marched in Pride nearly every year for the 25 years she has lived in the city. When asked how she identifies within the LGBTQAI+ community said, "I identify as a cis-gender lesbian striving at all times to be as fabulous a queer girl as I can be."

Liz Edman has been a lifelong Episcopalian and her faith has been shaped by the evangelicalism of her father's parents and her youth in Arkansas. "Christianity is both something I inherited and something that is innately (a) good fit for me." Liz finds Jewish theology and worship to be quite moving and gets a lot out of just being in the midst of an interesting, smart, and deeply faithful community.

Liz comes from a line of journalist and preachers, which means she was raised up to be committed to speaking the truth plainly. It meant to her to tell the truth even if it made you unpopular. Speaking the truth plainly and at all cost was an important part of what it meant to serve God faithfully in Liz's family. Because of this strong teaching, Liz never really struggled with a sense of her queerness and faith being at odds with one another. She didn't struggle with a sense of failing God or having fallen into sin. The reason she gave for this, "And I know that this is because my family communicated to me that telling the truth was the most important thing, and that the second most important thing was to be myself, to be the person God had made me to be.

An instance in which her faith and being queer made her life difficult is when the church asked Liz to lie about something that was really important. She came of age in the 1980’s and for a long time took for granted about ordination as an openly gay woman. Liz figured that she could be ordained if she hid or wasn’t loud about her sexuality. But this was something that Liz never once considered doing. “Again, that has everything to do with what my family had taught me: that telling the truth was a crucial part of how we show reverence to God. So how could I lie in order to be ordained.”  In 1996, Rev Elizabeth Edman was told by the diocese she was being taken out of the ordination – partly due to her wedding and partly because, as an AIDS chaplain, she was speaking a language of faith that felt unfamiliar to people in the church. These patients in this inner city hospital had been so burned by churches and would shut down if traditional church language was used. Liz felt split into two and felt awful inside. 13 years after Liz entered the ordination process, she was finally ordained as a priest because of a newly-elected bishop Thomas Ely of Vermont. Thomas had saw the damage done by the church to queer people and was determined to move his diocese in a healthy direction.

Faith has made life easier for Liz to deal with. Sometimes it is intensely challenging because God sets the bar high with things like honesty and compassion. Liz admits that she has failed in these areas and isn't by any means perfect. God has sustained her through some of the worst experiences she has had in the church in regards to being a queer person and trying to be apart of the church.

In Chapter 3 of Queer Virtue Liz says, "Once a religious community steps in to tell you what to believe about yourself, what to hope for, what hope is, it is very hard to put those ideas down." I asked Liz (as someone who has had a religious community do those things) how do you put those ideas down and what her definition of hope was. Liz gave some amazing answers.

First and most important thing is to dive inside yourself, take a good look at your own soul and work to cultivate a sense of your own self-worth. She does warn that it is work. You will get to know yourself and have to get honest. Find something inside yourself that you like and find something inside yourself that you love. It is especially good if you can involve another human being. Listen hard to the positive messages and don't try to push them away. Instead plant them like seeds into your soul.

I can't do her explanation of hope justice without just straight quoting her answer. This is what Liz said about hope: "Hope is knowing that there is some part of you that is healthy, that will survive whatever cruelty or hardship (that) comes your way. To have hope, you have to know yourself. You have to be honest about yourself. And being honest means that you do the hard work of putting down all the crap that other people have said about you. This is not easy to do, and I don't for a second mean that it is. It is hard work. But it is also some of the most important work you can do. Because deep inside yourself and in the inner workings of your best, most life-giving relationships --this is where you will find God. And knowing God there, in that way, is the surest antidote to the spiritual poison of false, queerphobic preaching."

I asked Liz what would her advice be for someone struggling to accept their own “queer identity” and belief in God and trying to reconcile their identity and their belief.  She said that the idea that there is something about queerness that is at odds with faith in God is a big, noxious lie that has done some terrible damage to beautiful queer souls. “A queer person has to discern an identity within themselves. They have to tell the truth about that identity even when doing so puts them at risk. They have to find others who are discerning a similar identity, and build community together. Then as a community we have to look to the margins to see who is still struggling, and do something about that.” Pay attention to the ways that your queerness calls you to be exactly the person Jesus has called you to be. Stop Fixating on the clobber passages, put them aside – she says. However, look at the passage(s) that captures the heart and soul of the faith to you. Your verse(s) will not necessarily be the same as others.  Liz says, “You are a child of God, and God knew what she was doing when she made you this way.”

Liz would like our allies know "Every single one of us was created to reflect something of God.  The way we learn about God is for each of us to be able to name ourselves and our experience of God, and really listen to each other, really empower each other to speak.  Your truth, my truth, all of our experiences must come together to help us understand who we are, who God is, and who God has created us all to be.  So let’s not aim to be “tolerant” or “inclusive.”  Let’s aim to forge relationships of dignity and love and deep respect, journeying towards God together."

In closing Liz has a love letter she wanted me to share with you all. So here goes...

                       Dear Beloved Queer Folx reading Brian’s blog:

I have something to ask of you, an invitation if you will.  Consider this a call, a challenge, and a heartfelt request.   We have work to do.  We have wounds to tend, damage to repair.  And we also have a mission that God has planted in us by making us queer.  It is our job to celebrate God as the fabulous, beautiful, life-giving force that She/He/They are.  God is complex, and our lives are complex, and I am absolutely convinced that God made us in order to force humanity to grapple with the complexity of spiritual truth.

So when you are trying to figure out some aspect of your own faith, or some part of the Bible, dive deep.  Don’t settle for easy answers.  When you go looking for God, you are treading on native soil.  It is not ground that someone else owns.  It is yours.  It is ours.  And in the same way that we know we need to claim our own lives and value our own souls, we also need to claim our own relationship with God and value our spiritual traditions as we have come to understand them.

Be brave.  Be intrepid.  Be yourself, in all your strength and beauty.  Be proud of the spark of the divine that lives within you, and share it with the world.

This comes with wild blessings and so much love,
Liz


                     

The Rev. Elizabeth M. Edman

Liz Edman is an Episcopal priest and political strategist.  She is the author of Queer Virtue: What LGBTQ People Know About Life and Love and How It Can Revitalize Christianity (BeaconPress, 2016).  Liz has lived and worked on the front lines of some of the most pressing issues where religion and sexuality meet, serving as an inner city hospital chaplain to people with HIV/AIDS from 1989 to 1995 and helping craft political and communications strategies for marriage equality efforts.  In 2017, she partnered with Parity to create Glitter+Ash Wednesday, a project to increase the visibility of progressive, queer-positive Christians and to explore Christian liturgy through a queer lens.

Her writing has been featured in Salon.com, The Advocate, LGBT Nation, and Religion News Service.  She has been interviewed for feature and news articles in the Los Angeles Times, Huffington Post, Chicago Tribune, Baltimore Sun, Chicago Sun-Times, and Religion Dispatches.She lives in New York.

People can sign up for Liz's mailing list and can contact her through the Queer Virtue website: www.queervirtue.com.

Featuring Rev. M Barclay

As I mentioned in an earlier blog - this month is Pride Month. I wanted to interview different people in the queer/LGBTQAI community and spotlight their stories. The first one up is my dear friend, mentor, and pastor - Reverend M Barclay. They have been an amazing friend to me and I'm really excited to share their story with you all.

Rev. M Barclay is a bisexual, nonbinary, trans clergy in the United Methodist Church. M uses they/them pronouns. M is a theology nerd; but also loves to spend time outdoors (hiking, exploring, or soaking up the sun on a beach) as much as possible. M has been shaped by a lot of different spiritual sources, thinkers, and communities. But M is rooted in their faith by their involvement in the United Methodist Church. Theologies that sustain, challenge, and compel M are feminist, queer, black, liberation, and process theologies. Process Theology is the philosophical and theological position that God is changing, as is the universe (definition from CARM.org).

M has said that "living and serving in The United Methodist Church, where LGBTQ folks are not only not-affirmed but prohibited from a full life in the denomination is a constant challenge." They have seen friends and loved ones treated terribly. M has heard and had to sit with "more stories of harm and struggle than I could possibly begin to count."

M is not a stranger to the struggles that LGBTQ folks face in The United Methodist Church. They have faced their own deep challenges at the hands of the UMC's discriminatory policies as they sought ordination as a deacon.
What has helped M deal with the church's discriminatory policies against LGBTQ folks is "there are so many queer, trans, and ally United Methodists who are in the struggle together that there is sustenance and nourishment and meaning in the midst."

I asked M "Is there ever a time that your faith as made your life as a queer person easier? Describe an event or time when you felt this." M responded with this:
"My faith has been vital to my own ability to survive as a queer and trans person. In particular, coming out as non-binary trans felt so incredibly difficult to me. Even just a few years ago, I felt impossibly alone in the identity - knowing very few others who could even wrap their minds around what it might mean to be non-binary. It was scary and hard to embrace another sort of marker that seemed like it would make life even harder. And yet, I knew it was true for me. My faith has been my foundation for empowering me to do hard things, to rest in love, to lean on community, and to pursue what I believe in and the fullness of who I am."

M is not only a non-binary trans deacon in The United Methodist Church, but they are also the director of a ministry called enfleshed.  enfleshed was birthed alongside Rev. Anna Blaedel and a board of directors. M, Anna, and the board longed for more spiritual resources that center justice, liberation, and delight in centering the conversations that matter most today. "We wanted to create something that moved away from abstract concepts of God and faith and put flesh back on faith by focusing god-words and ideas on the bodies and lives among us." enfleshed provides worship preparation materials for clergy based on the lectionary with an LGBTQ affirming, feminist, anti-racist lens. enfleshed also offers preaching, teaching, and workshops on matters of faith and justice. They also write custom liturgies and offer pastoral care to LGBTQ persons and allies. Soon they will be launching small group resources.

M offered these words of advice to anyone who is questioning their gender identity or sexual orientation and is struggling with reconciling that to their faith, particularly the Christian faith:
"If you can, find some other queer and/or trans people to connect with who can help you do some processing and who can give some encouragement in your journey. Also, consider reading some books written directly by queer/trans people about their own faith and beliefs. There's a lot of good stuff and good people and good organizations making the coming out process and faith reconciliation work a lot less lonely than it once was! Find community - online or in person - who can journey with you and remind you when you doubt it that God loves you and being queer and/or trans is a gift!"

In closing, M offered these final words of encouragement and inspiration:

"Being queer is a joy. Being trans is a delight. They come with challenges but our communities are truly a pleasure to be a part of. And - we have our own work to do in learning to support and protect one another better. White LGBTQ people must be relentless in our commitment to doing our own work around unpacking our prejudice, addressing our biases, unlearning the narratives we have been given about who we are and who others are. We must be reading and listening to voices of color, following their lead in the work of queer and trans justice, and taking care of each other along the way. There is no LGBTQ liberation without attention to racial justice and for too long, white folks in our community - in the church and outside of it - have neglected to prioritize the needs of queer and trans siblings of color. We can do better - and in doing so, we will all be more free."

Rev. M Barclay is serving as Director of enfleshed. M formerly served as Director of Communications at Reconciling Ministries Network where they advocated for queer and trans inclusion in The United Methodist Church. They have also enjoyed working as a hospital chaplain, youth director, justice associate and faith coordinator for reproductive justice in Texas.

M is passionate about bringing fresh and relevant perspectives to the questions, traditions, and theologies that have sustained our faith communities for centuries. They have extensive experience in writing, preaching, and teaching on the gospel's call to communal justice making. 

M delights in queer community, finding the nearest hike while traveling, reading theologies, devouring breakfast tacos, and the company of their perfect pup, Phoebe. 

Contact M at m@enfleshed.com. Follow M on twitter & insta at @mxbarclay.

enfleshed's website is http://www.enfleshed.com

Our Body = Works Of Art

This comes from Queer Theology's Daily Affirmation. But I felt like writing about it as a blog because the questions are amazing along with the quote.

  The human body is the best work of art. -Jess C. Scott

This quote brings up in me a remembrance of the fact that God, Herself, enjoyed creating us all. She took her time knitting us together and creating us. God created every single queer/trans/nonbinary person and breathed their precious life into them. She gave Her Holy Spirit to each of us to be housed in this temple we call a human body.

I don't know if I see my body as a work of art itself. Quite honestly - there is crap about my body that I really dislike. But I guess this goes along with being in a second puberty, ya know? I didn't like puberty the first time around so why on earth would I expect myself to enjoy every aspect of puberty.

The works of art within my body that I do enjoy -

*my voice cracking and squeaking because my voice is changing and becoming deeper
*my hips going away due to male fat redistribution
Plus I enjoy the four pieces of artwork that are on my body too. Artwork on top of artwork. Building a masterpiece! I have four tattoos that I consider each a piece of artwork.

Tattoo One: a infinity symbol with a two-shade purple heart. LIFE GOES ON AS LONG AS YOU HAVE HEART OR LOVE IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.

Tattoo Two: semicolon. MY QUEER/TRANS STORY ISN'T OVER YET!

Tattoo Three: phoenix in fire colors. I RISE OUT OF THE ASHES OF MY PAST CIRCUMSTANCES.

Tattoo Four: archangel wings with stars, a single one with no name in yellow and then each of my biological name in their own star. THE STARS REPRESENT THE ACRONYM S.T.A.R.S. (Siblings That Are Really Special). THE EMPTY YELLOW STAR AND ARCHANGEL WINGS REPRESENT THE ANGELS IN MY LIFE WATCHING OVER MY LIVING KIDDOS.

Being queer and trans has definitely changed my relationship with my body. I did not love my body before starting hormone replacement therapy and I'm not quite there yet. But I can tell you that because of hormone replacement therapy - I am beginning to love my body more than I have in the past. I am slowly becoming more comfortable in my own skin as I see the changes that happen with HRT.

God, Herself, meant for us to love our bodies, ourselves, our neighbors and herself the very best we can. Sometimes in order for some of us to start loving our bodies (the first step towards loving ourselves) we need HRT and other gender confirming surgeries. The United Methodist Church always emphasize when giving the Eucharist that we are to love God, ourselves and our neighbors the very best we can. I believe that in order to do those three things urged upon us each time we partake of the Eucharist - it begins with loving our bodies and seeing them as a work of Her art.

MAY THE PEACE OF CHRIST BE WITH YOU,



Brian Lee

Beloved Community and Belonging

   
          Hello everyone! How are you folx doing or been doing this first week of Pride Month 2018? I will be honest it has been a busy week filled with a LOT of emotions for me. Personal stuff that is going on with those I love & this is my first Pride Month as my true self. But wow what a first week of Pride it has been and I haven't even attended anything either.

     For me - the biggest change is I've been reading this book by Rev. Elizabeth Edman called Queer Virtue. AMAZING and LIFE CHANGING! I have struggled a good bit with being queer-identified and being Christian during my transition journey. Liz has been amazing at stringing along words to explain how Christianity is inherently queer and how queer people and Christian people hold the same values in the end. I am grateful for the opportunity to spotlight her and Queer Virtue in a blog later on in the month.
     One quote from her book, Queer Virtue, that meant a lot to me is the following:
                    "To walk the Christian path is to encounter God's self-revelation,
                     which constantly advances both of these ends - shaking us up,
                     and breaking us open. Both of these ends have something to do
                     with liberating us, which is to say: God queers our world, our lives,
                     our hearts in order to set us free."
     This was pivotal for me because I honestly never thought of God, Herself, queering our world. Let alone our lives and hearts in order to SET US FREE! God has led me on this journey of self-revelation and discovery since July of last year. This journey all started with being kicked out of a church I attended for 10+ years all because I identified as a queer sexual at first. Without harmful religious beliefs being crammed down my throat - I was free to finally explore why I felt differently throughout my childhood. I didn't have a name for what I was feeling until I met some transgender people. I heard their stories and was like HOLY CRAP THIS IS ME! I mean it was comforting to know that I was not alone.
     Then I began to struggle with being queer and being Christian. Could I be both? Was my identification of being queer sinful in the eyes of God? Would I have to choose between who I realized I was and my identification of a Christian? Thank God herself for placing people into my life who were queer clergy or queer spiritual people in my life.
     One of the most influential connections was with my friend M Barclay. They are the first openly trans nonbinary deacon within the United Methodist Church and run a ministry called enfleshed. You'll hear more about them and their life/ministry later on this month because I'll be spotlighting them. M became a friend, a spiritual mentor and even a pastor of sorts to me. I'm a new, young United Methodist and had a ton of questions about beliefs and doctrine that the UMC believes and follows. It was nice to have someone, besides my local pastor, to pick their brain! But the thing that I have gotten most out of my friendship with M -  they have helped me to see that I could be both queer and Christian. That being queer wasn't sinful and that being queer is divine!  I didn't have to choose between my gender and being a Christian. God loved me for both. M helped me discover that for myself.
     Another pivotal connection ended up being my Big Sib, Sam Allen. They are a Unitarian Universalist and will be featured on the blog later this month. Sam has been amazing, warm, and caring. They have been there for me as I've dealt with stuff and offered their own spiritual counsel. I love Sam's unique insight on things and it is refreshing to get a different perspective on issues.
    Relationships have been so essential for my discovery process. Without each of these pieces - I do not believe I would be who I am today or that I would be where I am at. I am becoming stronger, more prideful of my identity as a queer, trans, non-binary Christian. Pride used to be an evil or bad word in my eyes. But I see it as necessary for my life to be one of happiness and fulfillment.
     As you can see, the blog will be very active because I plan on spotlighting people of different faiths and how their queerness and their faith paths have helped them and relate to Pride Month. So it will be very busy and I hope that you will enjoy it.

Be Blessed in Your Coming and Goings,


Brian Lee

Trans Pride Flag

Nonbinary Pride Flag

Queer Pride Flag

A Long Overdue Update

     Well hello everyone! Long time no "see". I am so very sorry that I have been inactive in writing this blog. I have been going through a rough patch and this blog will explain it for you all. You know that I am an open book when it comes to my struggles so that I can be a voice for those who have no voice or for those who are too scared and might need someone to reach out to.

     If you have read my previous blog posts - you know that I suffer from mental illness. I am diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. I was on a combination of Cymbalta, Depakote, Latuda and Topamax but those medications stopped working. My doctor tried getting me on a new medication Vraylar but the insurance wouldn't cover it. I had been off medication for a while. Since May 19th, 2018 - I suffered mostly in silence with suicidal thoughts. On Tuesday May 22nd - I had literally had enough.

     When you get to the point that you hate yourself, life and God - SOMETHING is WRONG! But the thing was I didn't check myself into the hospital for myself. I checked myself in because I knew if I did what I wanted to do which was to leave this earth for good that I would hurt way too many people (my adoptive kids, my sponsor, my pastor, my big brother, my friends M and Kai to name a few). I cared more about the fact that I would hurt others by what would've been my choice.

     My sponsor in many ways saved my life last Tuesday.... After a meeting - I told him what was going on and he had me make phone calls to Clarion and to my Certified Recovery Specialist. Everyone in my life was telling me to check myself into the hospital. So I did. But I didn't do it for me.... no I did it for everyone else. I wanted to go to Clarion but their beds where full. So I ended up at Somerset BHU and THANK GOODNESS I ended up there.

     The attending psychiatrist ran a panel of blood work but also included B12 and D3 vitamin levels. I found out that both Vitamins B12 and D3 contribute to depression in people with low enough levels. MY GOD - MAYBE I WASNT AS CRAZY AS I THOUGHT IN MY HEAD? There was an ACTUAL BIOLOGICAL PIECE to my depression and there was a reason as to why medication and therapy wasn't working for me. I am currently on 5,000 units of Vitamin D3 (which equals 5 pills a day), 1,000 units of Vitamin B12 (1 pill a day), and Abilify (1 pill a day). I was just released from the hospital today and I am so grateful for it.

    Vitamin B12 deficiency can cause a host of problems. Here are some of the symptoms that I experienced and had NO CLUE this was an indication of a deficiency....
*Weakness, tiredness
*Nerve problems, numbness and tingling, muscle weakness
*Vision loss (my eyes got weaker
*Mental problems, depression and mood changes

     Vitamin D3 deficiency can also cause a host of problems too. Here are some of the symptoms that I experienced and again had no clue...
*getting sick often
*fatigue and tiredness
*back pain
*depression (a study suggests that 65% of people with low vitamin D3 levels experience depression symptoms)
*muscle pain

     Vitamin B12 and Vitamin D3 are not on your typical blood panels. So if you ever do go see a doctor or go inpatient at a hospital - ask for these tests to be done (they are covered under insurances). It could save you from having multiple hospital admissions like I did.

     Now onto my transition update -
I just took my second increased dose of testosterone (150mg, 1.5ml). This is my 12th week on hormone replacement therapy and I have experienced more changes - neck facial hair (the infamous trans neck beard i've been told, lol), my other facial hair is growing in darker and my voice. Oh my god, folks, my dang voice has been stuck in the squeeky, raspy, sounds like I got a flipping cold for the last two weeks. LOL! I LOVE IT! WHY? Because it means my voice will get deeper and I'm excited for it to settle into my new normal. My hospital dr said he didn't want me stopping HRT at all so I still have the go-ahead to keep going through with it. So I want you all to know that I place my health over my transition first and foremost because I believe in living by example. I want you all to keep your health first and listen to your doctors.

     I unfortunately had to withdrawal from school for the summer term as a result of this hospitalization. But it was for the best. My university offers a one time tuition fee waiver which I will be getting and will save me $5,000 and keep my financial aid intact. A small price to pay for better health.

     Well that is more than enough for now! PLEASE, PLEASE, If you ever feel like you are going to harm yourself - please reach out for help.

Here are some numbers for you to call:
Trevor Project:
866-488-7386

Trevor Project (Trevor Text):
Text "Trevor" to 1-202-304-1200. Text message rates apply. Available Mon-Fri 3pm-10 EST/12noon-7pm PST

Trans Life Line:
US: 877-565-8860
Canada: 877-330-6366
Hours of Operation:
PST: 8am-2am
MST: 9am-3am
CST: 10am-4am
EST: 11am-5am
Alaska: 7am-1am
Hawaii: 6am to 12am

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-8255
Available 24/7

YOU ARE WORTH LIFE!,

Brian Lee

9 Week Update & Blood Test Results

Hello everyone! Blessings to you this beautiful Thursday morning. As I type this, I am enjoying a frozen caramel latte made with skim milk and extra espresso and flavoring and of course, whipped cream. Yummy. It amazes me that nowadays it doesn't take much to make me happy. A nice frozen coffee drink from my favorite gas station hits the spot.

As many of you know, I had my first follow-up with Dr. Wolfe on May 3rd to see how I've been progressing and to have my follow up labs done. The visit went absolutely AMAZING!

The same nurse who saw me in Feb, when I first went to Dr. Wolfe seeking testosterone, was the same one who examined me at my follow up. All's I did was walk back and say hello to her. She said "You look so happy from when I last saw you. You have such an aura about you. Look at you making me smile and I don't even know why I am smiling."  Folxs let me tell you something, that was literally the greatest thing she could have ever said to me. You see I attribute the happiness and the aura change to two things: living my authentic self as a transgender nonbinary person & the fact that I am working a 12 step program and in recovery. For once in my life, I am infecting someone with good things... Happiness. Me just being me made someone else smile. Because of recovery, I realized who I truly was inside and I am able to be happy. (Side note: Ya'all we celebrated 9 months clean on May 6, 2018)

Dr Wolfe came in and we went over the changes I noticed and liked plus the one I didn't like. The nurse came back in and drew about three vials of blood. You would think after 2 months worth of injections and staring at an inch and a half long needle I could look while they drew the blood. HELL NO! This person looked away AND closed my eyes. I don't think I'll be able to ever get to liking the blood work aspect of this process. I mentioned this to the nurse and she said it's because the injections are something that you WANT to do not that you have to do. They did a CBC panel (normal blood work up), lipid panel (cholesterol, sometimes testosterone can elevate cholesterol) & a testosterone level. Dr Wolfe said that the results for the normal blood work would be in that day but that the hormone levels would take 24hrs. This was on a Thursday mind you, LOL.

This enby is impatient. I called Friday, Saturday and Monday once to check to see if my hormone levels had come back. Each time I was told nope, that was the one piece missing from all my labs. So it's been 5 days since the vampire took my blood (a little humor there). Tuesday I called and the office was closed when I did. What office is closed at 2pm on a Tuesday? Anyways I go about my day and around 5pm I get a call from a private number. I was tempted to NOT answer my phone because if I don't know you or you call from a private number and I'm not expecting your call, it can go to voicemail first. Luckily for me, I answered because it happened to be my doctor calling me personally.

My labs had all come back. My cbc panel was great, my cholesterol was great, my liver function was great. The issue, my testosterone level wasn't where it needed to be. It was on the low end, mid 250's. Standard range is between 500-1000. He told me an average males levels are between 500-600. He said I want to increase your dosage from 100mg every 14 days to 150 mg every 14 days. He said in 6weeks I want you to go have your levels drawn again but do it on the week you don't inject and make it the same day of the week you would inject. So he called in the dosage change to the pharmacy and I got a text from my pharmacy saying out of stock. I guess due to the dosage increase the insurance paid for a new vial of my hormones.

Next Tuesday I will start my injections with the updated dose. Then on the 7th Tuesday after that shot I will go have my hormone level checked to see if we increased enough. Personally I am extremely excited with the fact my dosage was increased. I'm already seeing fat redistrubtion, facial contour, facial hair growth and voice deepening changes at 2 months on testosterone with 100mg. I can't wait to see the changes that will happen as a result of being at 150mg.

There you go folxs! That is the latest in my transgender nonbinary journey.

I pray you are all happy and well!



Brian

Two Months on Testosterone

(not my photo, this is a stock photo from Google)

I cannot even begin to believe that I am here writing this blog for you all. I never ever in a million years thought this would be a reality in my life. When I started this journey, I didn't think I would be blogging and living out my transition in such a public way. I loved to write but I never have really seen myself as one because I was always put down. Then I met this wonderful human named Terri and they saw something in my writing. Ever since then Terri has called out the writer in me and nurtured it and is bringing it to life.

This ride through medical transition has ended up being easier than I had originally thought. Personally (for me) social transitioning is the most difficult process of this whole journey. You never know what people are going to do or say. You never know if people will accept you for you or if they will verbally attack you (I had that happen to me just yesterday). My skin for being able to brush people off is still very much soft, but it is getting thicker with each encounter that I have. I am learning to not take things to heart so much and that when people say transphobic or hateful things it is a reflection of them and not of me as a person. I know who I am and who God has created me to be and who She created in the very first place.

These last two months I have experienced different changes. Mood swings have become lessened and more mellow. I have found that I am more calculated in my thinking process meaning that I just want to know what the problem is and just get right down to fixing it to be honest. Testosterone has increased my libido which is a pain especially when you are single and are not in a relationship with anyone. But the changes that I love and I really do mean LOVE have been noticeable by people for about the last 3 weeks I've been on hormones.

Just today (5/1/2018) I was talking with my pastor after morning bible study and I told her how I still see my voice as extremely feminine. She said oh no, you've definitely settled into the male range. I can hear the difference. This was the same woman who noticed my mustache around Week 4-5 too. She has been amazing and such a supporter and a cheerleader. GOD I wish all of you queer folxs had a pastor like her, I pray that we have more pastors supportive of queer folxs.... You all deserve that support just as much as I do.

My voice has steadily dropped and still continues to do so. I use this voice analyzer app on my android phone and at first (pre-T) I registered female. Then after about two weeks of T, I would register in between... This went on for another two weeks, where my voice would register in the "in between" stage. Just recently I would guess about Week 5 is when the app would register "male". This made me so happy because I could "feel" my vocal cords thickening but I couldn't hear a difference in my voice. Then people around me started commented on how low my voice had gotten around a week ago.

I go to see Dr. Stephen Wolfe on Thursday of this week (May 3rd) for my follow-up and blood draw. I am so excited to see if he notices the same changes that everyone else has been noticing too. The last time we saw each other was in February and I was discussing wanting and needing to get on testosterone.

I am so grateful for the people in my life who have rallied around me during this whole transition. You all have made this journey amazing, contributing in your own ways. There have been some heart wrenching moments and you folxs have been there to wipe away my tears and offer me counsel. But there have been moments of joy and celebration (UMATI facebook throwing me a virtual party on the day I started medical transition for instance) and there have been loads of laughter.

I am thankful that I have a faith that has given me the strength to accept that I am queer and transgender nonbinary and boldly proclaim that. I am thankful that I have been given a voice so I can be a voice for transgender people who may have their voice silenced for a number of reasons. I thank God that she has surrounded me with other queer umc folxs who share similar experiences but also share a like-minded faith. I am thankful to God that in this process I have found and gained a friend who I now call my Big Brother - Sam - they have been my rock and been there for me and in many ways protected me when I needed it. I am thankful that I have a friend who is a mentor when it comes to my writing, Terri, and they have seen so much in me and pour life into my passion for writing.

Coming out as transgender and going through this medical transition journey has enriched my life and made it so full and overflowing. I have grown leaps and bounds and still have more to go. But I am grateful I can finally face the world as Brian, as my authentic self and no longer wearing a mask.

Thank you all for your support! You matter so very much to me!



Love in Divine,
Brian

My Journey to Self Discovery

I recently discovered I had my first blog comment by a "troll" and it was cruel and insensitive. I did end up deleting it. But ironically they brought up a good point, their delivery method was messed up but their point was valid. It made me realize that you all, my readers, might be confused a little with my identification changes.

I am not using this blog to justify my gender or who I am. I don't have to do that for anyone. But I feel that some of you might be confused or not understand where I am coming from. The purpose of this blog is to educate you on my process, my journey to self discovery up until this point.

Currently I identify as a transgender nonbinary person who wishes to present as a male to society. What does that mean and how did I come to that revelation or discovery? I know that I am not at all wanting society to see me as female. Society in and of itself has a hard time recognizing transgender people. Add being nonbinary and people instantly want to reject you even within the LGTBQ community. For me I knew I was more male than female but at the same time I didn't identify completely 100% male. Hence the self discovery of being nonbinary. Transgender comes into play for me because I wish to transition medically so society doesn't look at me and say SHE. I am so far removed from my assigned sex at birth that it brings about intense dsyphoria at times when someone calls me she, ma'am or perceives me as a woman.

I did identify from October 15, 2017 to recently as a transgender male because honestly I didn't realize there was a term for what I was experiencing inside. I thought it was all or nothing. I didn't realize there were nonbinary people who have chosen to take HRT because they definitely don't want to be seen as their assigned sex at birth. It wasn't until I began to form friendships with people who identify as trans and nonbinary that I had the right words to express who I am.

Gender is a process for me. It is a process/journey of self discovery. Every day I am learning more and more about myself. Each day I grow more and more comfortable with who I am as a transgender nonbinary person.

Before I ever realized I was transgender and was still living as my assigned sex at birth, I had identified as a lesbian. For nearly half of my life as a female, I was attracted to the same sex. But because I went to a fundamentalist Christian church, I stayed in the closet for many years. Then after getting out of jail and having been given my freedom again, I had a new lease on life. I knew that I had to stop living in the closet out of fear for what Christians may do. That is when I came out publically to the world because I had enough of my church telling me I was sinful and evil when I knew that I wasn't. This caused me to be kicked out of my decade long church and left me without any church home for quite a few months. It was then that the gender discovery process started because bad religious teaching wasn't being crammed down my throat. It was just God and me.

Gender and sexuality are two separate and distinct topics. So please don't get them intertwined because they are not meant to be. You can be trans and straight, or trans and gay or trans and a number of other sexualities.

I hope that this blog clears up some of the confusion or questions some of you may have but are too afraid to ask. If you have any questions feel free to email them to me: bornagainchristian2004@yahoo.com. If you chose to leave a comment, please make sure it's respectful and you leave at least a first name. If your comment isn't respectful, it will get deleted as soon as I see it. I created this blog with Gods prompting and created it to be a safe place for all queer folxs. We face enough discrimination and hatred and phobic behaviors in society and sometimes religion that we all need a soft place to land.

Be blessed this gorgeous Sunday afternoon,

Brian Lee

This Is Me

I really love this song and have been wanting to write about it for a while now. Ever since I heard it, it has become my anthem in my medical and social transition.

"I am not a stranger to the dark, Hide away, they say, Cause we don't want your broken parts, I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars, Run away, they say, No one'll love you as you are"

I am definitely no stranger to the dark. My old church told me to hide. They didn't want my broken parts. They taught me to be ashamed of my scars and taught me no one would love me as a lesbian woman. I spent 4 months in spiritual darkness looking for a spiritual home. My current church is AMAZING, my senior and associate pastors and the congregation have done the exact OPPOSITE! They have welcomed me broken and all scarred up. They have caused me to stop running. They loved me as a cis-gender woman and then when I revealed that I was in fact a transgender person - they still loved me. I didn't have to hide who I was to be loved. I no longer had to wear a mask of having it together or what religion said in order to be loved and accepted and welcomed. I COULD STOP RUNNING! I COULD STOP HIDING! I COULD BE ME!!!!
"But I won't let them break me down to dust, I know that there's a place for us, For we are glorious."

I will not let the world...
I will not let the institution known as The UMC....
I will not let any man-made religion....

tell me that there is no place for me or any other queer folx or sibling of color. We are GLORIOUS! GLORIOUS IN THE BELOVED's EYES!

"When the sharpest words wanna cut me down, I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out"

When the negative words of the world and religion and the nay-sayers want to cut me and other queer folxs and siblings of color - I will raise my voice with the many queer voices in existence already and drown them out. There are TOO MANY of us for me to listen to the negativity.

"I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I'm meant to be, this is me, Look out 'cause here I come
.....I'm not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, this is me"

I've been told I am brave. I don't see that in myself, but slowly I am beginning to see it. I'm bruised but yet I still keep getting back up and be willing to fight for who I am, who I'm meant to be. This is me, I'm coming out to the world, I'm not scared to be visible and I wont apologize for that. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aydY1eiGjgs


Brian Lee

Guest Post by my big brother

Here is my big brother's post about semicolon day 2018:

“I hope she gets hit by a bus. I hope she gets hit by a bus.”

Have you ever seen Sister Act? Those words, spoken by Whoopi Goldberg’s parole officer. That was the scene that welcomed me onto the Green Line. He wasn’t actually Whoopi Goldberg’s parole officer, but he looked enough like him to remind me of that movie actor - ragged coffee with milk skin, afro, wide nose. Mean eyes.

I, still being a she, was the target of that epithet.

I staggered onto the light rail car, plugged in my headphones for the ride, and staggered off of it, like someone medicated. I paused long enough to say “Fuck You” to my assailant.

He laughed.

Later, days later, I would attempt to beat up a pole.

Then, the night before a guest came over, I’d cuss out two friends, one who was coming out to the other. All because I was triggered by the word, “Bitches.”

This dull crescendo led to me trying to dislodge a piece of plexi-glass from a bus stop shelter. I was about to start my new job at a call center. Boys were ridiculing me for the way I smelled - leaky bladders do not do well on large city transit routes. I wanted to cut my throat there and then, a testament to the whole city that hated me. I’m going now, would be my final phrase.

Fast forward eight years. I’m still haunted by those cold days, but I’m a member of my local UU congregation. I have a few friends, online and off. I have another, less public, suicide attempt under my belt. My dad is losing his spark. His heart disease hangs over my mom and me like a heavy, wet blanket. I cry frequently. I don’t think of suicide.

And yet despite the darkness, there’s warmth. Not only in the more temperate streets that I Uber - rarely bus - around in, but in my family, my church, my friend’s houses. We’re there for each other. The opposite of what I had in Portland.

Which is to say that, yes, my faith does teach us that we’re valued, but that’s not enough. We need each other to keep us from the void, from attempting to destroy ourselves. We need love from each other’s bodies and from our own soft voices.

I met Brian when he was in a somewhat dark and confused place. I was his rock the night he contacted me. But in the few months we’ve known each other, he’s become my rock, too. One of us brings up something light or heavy, then the other responds with something related and personal. Back and forth, that’s what we do. Round and round and round we go, where we stop, nobody knows.

Brian and I have a shared history. Not from each other but from nearly identical curves in each others’ paths. We’re both non-binary trans, one curve. We both get nervous around strangers’ bodies, another curve. We both want to go into the ministry, a wide-brimmed, soft-to-the-foot hiking trail leading to a golden meadow, not yet to be seen, maybe only available in our shared imagination. We both care about people. The treads on our hiking boots are cushy because of this. But sometimes we hit rocks.

I hope the rocks that Brian hits while caring, while climbing up to the meadow, are not too big for him, and that the sprains he might suffer along the way heal fully. I hope he tends to these sprains, and I hope he can count on others, me included, to offer him a cool rag when he’s hurting. I’ll want that rag too sometimes, and I can count on Brian to offer it back to me.

With luck, this camaraderie that we share will keeps us from destroying ourselves. We need each other, and we both really want to see that meadow.

World Semicolon ; Day 2018

Today is #semicolonday2018! The semicolon has become popular among suicide survivors and self harmers. It stands for *where your life could've ended, it continues*. One statistic that isn't shown here is that 41% of transgender people try to complete suicide or have completed suicide. This day is special to me, it ranks up there with Transgender Day of Visibility and Transgender Day of Remembrance.

I struggle with writing this blog because this is a very real thing for me. It isn't just a fad or something cool to do. I have a semicolon tattooed on my right wrist for a reason.

This reason is back around May 2016, I swallowed about 20 pills in attempts to end my life and my three beautiful children where right down the hall sleeping. I don't know exactly what got me to that point to be honest. I just know I was feeling pain and I wanted it to end at all costs. My sleeping children were not even reason enough to stay alive at that point. I seriously thought they would be better off without me as their parent because I'd had numerous psych hospital admissions. I am one of 100 million people who live with depression, I am one of 25 million who live with bipolar, and I'm one of 15 million people who live with panic disorders (Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Agoraphobia). At the time I didn't realize I was transgender because I hadn't made the connection yet - but I was one of the 41% of trans people who try to complete suicide. I went to bed that night hoping and praying to not wake up at all and to pass in my sleep. No, I wasn't thinking about if my kids found me dead or anything like that. I was just wanting to peacefully die in my sleep. But apparently God saw fit to wake me up that next morning.

Oh my was I so PISSED! I don't even remember that day other than getting into my old children's pastors truck, going to my therapist office, waking up in the ER with the children's pastor asking for my keys, signing myself into the hospital and my old associate pastor visiting me. For three days I don't remember my stay..... But then I started coming too and was thankful God woke me up. Well until my old senior pastor opened up his mouth and said "You let the wind out of our sails. If you had just listened to our counseling you wouldn't be in your darkest time of need." and then the old children's pastor said, "If you ever do anything so selfish again, I will make sure you never see your kids again."

Fast forward to today. I struggle with suicidal thoughts, but I am no longer suicidal. There is a difference. I have a reason to live now.

I have amazing people that I have met through the process of my transition and my journey of faith.

My adoptive son, Kyllann, who I met back in Sept of last year. I didn't realize I was trans but through talking to him I was able to see myself for who I really was, a transgender person. I owe him so much that I could never repay him and can never adequately express how much he really means to me. He is my son and I am so proud of him that is for damn sure.

My senior pastor is my strongest supporter locally in my transition, it is SOOOOO STINKING CUTE because this past Saturday we shared a real tender and precious moment in her office. She said she noticed my facial hair on my lip and I showed her were the hair is growing in lightly that she couldn't "see" plainly. Then I asked for her hand and I had her feel the stubble that is growing underneath my chin.

I met a wonderful pastor, Kai, face to face who is openly queer and in the UMC and we broke bread and fellowshipped. It was spiritually fulfilling and it was a unique experience to be in fellowship with someone from the same community (queer and of faith).

I formed a friendship/mentorship type of relationship with my friend M who is a transgender non-binary pastor in the UMC and director of Enfleshed. M has helped in so many ways personally and through their ministry. They have spent time answering countless theological questions especially about Wesleyan theology (which I'm sure they were in their glory because they are a theology expert). But M has been there for me when I needed pastoral care to help pick up the pieces as I transition.

My big brother, Sam, oh my I can't say enough. I reached out to Sam when I was in a dark and lonely place. Out of that grew a beautiful and amazing friendship and ended up with us calling each other "little bro" and "big bro". We share life together and are there for each other when we need each other the most. We get each other in ways that no one else possible could get us. We are each other's rocks in a cruel and unsteady world. It's a give and take - equal partnership! :)

These are just a few people who have made my life worth living and I know that I matter to them. I know that if one day I were to decide to complete suicide their lives would be affected in some way. I don't want to become a statistic. I don't want to be a transgender person who loses their life to suicide. THANK GOD THAT I DON'T HAVE TO!

But see I mention people who have made my life worth living.... On October 15, 2017 I made the biggest decision of my life and that is ultimately what makes life worth living for me. I came out as a transgender male and revealed that I go by Brian. Removing societal and religions mask saying I had to live as a female even though I didn't feel like I was one was freeing and LIFE GIVING!

When moments get hard in my life and transition, and they will because I've experienced them already, I reach out to the wonderful people who make my life worth living. I share my pain and heartache instead of holding it inside anymore. I don't shy away from help (spiritual or medical). I have people around me who are 100% supportive of me and are positive people. Life is more positive now and I'm pushing away the darkness that comes with suicide.

I'll leave you with this last thing...


Your story isn't done being written yet. Where you wanted to put a period, the Divine... the very Sacred One put a comma. YOU my friends are WORTHY of every breath of life you take. Even those breaths that are a struggle to take. Even those breaths that pain you to take because you don't know how you will go on. I NEED YOU! This world NEEDS you! We NEED you! Hold On Pain Ends! Stay strong! Keep breathing one single breath at a time.

Love in Christ,

Brian